HADITH THIRTY ONE: MARRIAGE AND LOVE
The Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم said, «There is nothing like marriage for two who are in love with each other.»
Reported by Ibn Majah (1847). Al-Albani declared it sahih (al-Silsilah al-Sahihah, 624), and so did Shu‘ayb al-Arna‘ut
Commentary
Marriage is the best outlet for expressing and experiencing love for the opposite sex. Whenever it is not possible, one must shun forbidden acts to remain close to Allah. And when other loves clash with it, the love of Allah should remain the main goal and priority.
Right love, wrong love
Carnal attraction is part of our nature. It is an impulse that Allah created in us. Allah said:
That which people desire was beautified to them: the love of women.
Ali ‘Imran (Q3:14)
Of all the desires that we have—which Allah made appealing—He listed attraction to the opposite sex as the first, indicating its intensity. Something this powerful deserves further attention and understanding.
Allah made the desire for the opposite sex appealing and strong because of the benefits it brings. There is the necessity of human procreation, which this desire ensures. If not for the attraction between the two sexes, there will be little or no procreation. There is also the need for companionship. We need people around us. We cannot live alone. The etymology of the Arabic word “Insan” (human) is derived from Uns (socialization). Humans socialize and need socialization. We need others emotionally and physically. Allah said:
And of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves so you can find tranquility with them, and He placed affection and mercy between you.
Ar-Rum (Q30:21)
Seeking and finding mates is part of Allah’s plan for us. He knows what we need. We have to communicate with others, we need someone to care for us, and we have an emotional need to take care of them. On both the emotional and physical levels, our life feels incomplete without people around us. Sexual attraction brings couples together, and it expands their circle with children and grandchildren. Communities and societies
grow because of these unions. Family clusters join each other to form larger unions, and they do together what no individual or smaller groups can. Most of the development in the world— scientific, cultural, agricultural, and industrial—happened because of human aggregation and pooling of resources. The magnet that made all this possible is the sexual and emotional need we have for the opposite sex.
With all the advantages it brings and the needs it fulfills, this intense desire is also a challenge. As it can be used for good, it can be misused and abused, with emotional and physical damages. On the physical side, strong attraction to the opposite sex can lead to illicit relationships and casual sexual encounters, which is disastrous for the individual and society. This is why Allah sternly warned against fornication and adultery and legislated a deterrent punishment for them. Among the harms of this sin is the spread of physical diseases, which could turn into full blown pandemics. There is also the dissolution of family ties and the ensuing hatred it breeds and spreads. Marital infidelity breaks up families, psychologically damages the betrayer and the betrayed, and scars the children of bitterly divorced parents. The more this spreads, the greater the harm is to the family as the glue that holds society together. And Shaytan knows that the dissolution of the family fulfills his plans. If the family breaks, the doors of haram are open again. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
«Iblis places his throne on water and sends out his units. The closest to him in rank are those who create the greatest dissension. One of them comes and says, “I did so-and-so.” And he says, “You have done nothing.” Then one of them comes and says, “I did not spare so-and-so until I separated him from his wife.” Iblis brings him close to him and says, “You have done well.” And he embraces him.»
Reported by Muslim (2813)
There are people who do the same work for Shaytan, and they are the worst. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
«Shall I tell you about the best of you?» They said, “Yes.” He said, «The ones who remind you of Allah when you see them. Shall I tell you about the worst of you?» They said, “Yes.” He said, «The ones who spread secrets to cause enmity, the ones who separate between lovers, the ones who seek to bring difficulty and sin to the innocent.»
Reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad (323) and al-Albani declared it hasan (Sahih al-Adab al-Mufrad, 246)
Shaytan and his human helpers spoil love and separate between lovers, and sin is their sinister tool to destroy love.
There is also the emotional price one pays for pursuing forbidden sexual fulfillment. We are not simply physical beings. We have an essential emotional need that equally seeks fulfillment through an intimate union with another. When this union is flawed (i.e. haram), it severely damages us emotionally. When we get physically close to another, we become emotionally invested and attached. Affection sneaks into our hearts, and we begin to see them as long-term companions, adjusting our plans of the present and the future to include them. Our life and theirs intertwine; our hearts come close as our bodies do. A flawed union, however, does not offer stability or peace. It lacks barakah, which is where Shaytan wants to lead us. A flawed union is usually short-term, filled with anxiety, and ends with heartache and resentment. The psychological damage this does is severe. An individual coming out of this ordeal is less trusting, more cynical, less forgiving, and emotionally unavailable.
I heard an excellent parable that perfectly explains this damage. If you take an unused adhesive tape and place it on a surface, it sticks strongly because the glue is new. And it is difficult to remove. If you try to remove it, you will find the separation difficult: residue has stubbornly bonded to the tape. The glue has now been exhausted, and the tape does not adhere to other surfaces or does so poorly. Similarly, every illicit relationship leaves a residue, and every such relationship ends bitterly. One is then left with the pain of the past, carrying it forward to every other relationship they form. Like the tape, they are drained and weak because of the scars of the past (e.g. one who is cheated on cannot trust anymore, and one who is abandoned for another suffers from low self-worth and self-esteem). This is why haram can never be an option. It is not medicine for what ails us.
Marriage and love
Men are going to be attracted to women, and women are going to be attracted to men. And we all will fall in love with each other. This love fulfills the physical ends we discussed above, but it also complements us emotionally and psychologically. The ayah quoted above in Surah al-Rum signals this complementarity by pointing to the serenity that marriage produces. It is as if, without marriage, one remains in a constant state
of restlessness until they find their mate. This restlessness is both physical and emotional. The physical need and agitation are apparent. One with a strong sexual desire cannot rest until they satisfy it. On the emotional side, we need to love and to
be loved. We need someone to share our earthly journey with, to talk to when we feel lonely, to help us with our burdens and insecurities, to comfort us when we are anxious, and to support us when we are weak. This companionship produces one of the
strongest and most intimate human bonds on earth. And when done right, Allah blesses it with affection and mercy, making it an earthly haven that carries us to Heaven.
When we fall in love, we have the urge to be close to our beloved. And the only appropriate course is what Allah loves. Ibn al-Qayyim wrote:
The medicine for lovers is in the full physical contact which Allah, the Rabb of all, made permissible. Allah made a cure for each ailment, and He facilitated—religiously and physically—the attainment of that medicine. The one who seeks a cure through what Allah legislated and seeks the assistance of the physical means, doing things properly, will attain the cure. But the one who seeks a cure with what Allah prohibited—even if
Allah tests them with it physically (i.e. it is available and easy to get)—they will not be cured, and will be like one medicating themselves from a disease with a greater disease. And we have mentioned the hadith of Tawus from Ibn ‘Abbas that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said, «There is nothing like marriage for two who are in love with each other.» There is a consensus among wise doctors and among others in discussing medicine that the cure to this ailment is in the meeting of two souls and the intimacy of two bodies. Muslim narrated in his Sahih from the hadith of Abu al-Zubayr from Jabir I that the Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم caught a glimpse of one woman and then went to Zaynab [his wife] to be intimate with her.
Rawdat al-Muhibbin (p. 212)
Satisfying our sexual and emotional needs with haram creates greater problems than the ones we are trying to solve. Marriage is what offers the perfect union that meets our physical and emotional needs. In fact, marriage enhances love. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم explained in the Hadith that there is nothing better for lovers than marriage. This is so because all haram routes weaken love and, in time, destroy it and leave regret and hate in its place.
When you are in love, you have the option of nurturing your love and protecting it and yourself, or the option of the ordeal of haram. If we seek the forbidden (illicit glance, touch, or encounter), we would be inviting Shaytan into our love. Remember this: haram is Shaytan’s invitation. When you do it, you are bringing him into your heart, life, and love. And his plot, you have seen, is to destroy love. Shaytan camouflages haram as exciting and fulfilling. Unfortunately, many help Shaytan in his scheme by complicating or mocking halal while leaving the door of haram wide-open. When we follow a forbidden path, the beginning will seem exciting. But the more we pursue
it, the more it will torment us. The physical joy of any illicit union will be incomplete, and will diminish in time. It will be followed by feelings of shame, self-hate, fear of disgrace, and fear of damaging this love and losing it. Emotional tranquility, which Allah promised, will never descend. The ayah in Surah al-Rum (quoted before) has one more subtle point. Allah places love and mercy among people. Love blossoms because of our obedience to Allah. Allah said:
It is He who supported you with His victory and with the believers. And it is He who brought their hearts together. If you were to spend everything on earth, you would not be able to bring their hearts together, but Allah brought them together.
Al-Anfal (Q8:62-63)
This ayah is amazing! No amount of wealth or human effort could have united the Companions as Allah did. Their sacrifice and love for each other were legendary. And their ability to heal the wounds of the past and overcome tribal frictions and isolationism, to become a single and united body, is a testament to the incredible effect of Iman when it grows. But what you also notice in this ayah is that you and I have no real power to create love. We can behave in ways that enhance love—in fact, we should—but this does not guarantee love. You can do everything in your power for someone to love you yet fail. This is so because love comes from Allah. It is enhanced when we listen to Him. And if we disobey him, we leave our hearts open for Shaytan to steal our love and destroy it. You are not doing your lover a favor when you disobey Allah for their sake; you are killing their love in your heart. As Ibn al-Qayyim explained, when you choose haram, you end up with a much bigger problem than the one you started with.
For all this, it is essential to plant the love of Allah firmly in our hearts. If not, carnal and romantic love will overwhelm our hearts and possibly devastate us (more on that when discussing Ishq on page 330). When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم directed us to choose a mate, he said:
«A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her piety. So indeed, do select the pious.»
Reported by al-Bukhari (5090) and Muslim (1466)
These are the reasons why both men and women marry. They look for wealth (which today also includes education and profession), lineage (which includes cultural background), beauty, and piety. Of all of them, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم emphasized piety. This does not mean that human love and attraction play no part in choosing a mate. And it does not mean that one should only consider the piety of their potential spouse and nothing else. The fact is there will be greater compatibility, tranquility, and
happiness when there is mutual attraction. Al-Tibi, in his commentary on this hadith, wrote:
It is not a condemnation of seeking beauty but a condemnation of marriage solely based on beauty when [the potential spouse is] impious.
Sharh al Mishkah (vol. 7, p. 2271)
There is further evidence to support this. Al-Mughirah ibn Shu‘bah said:
I came to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and told him about a woman I wanted to marry. He said, “Go and look at her, for that is more likely to bring greater agreement between the two of you.”
Reported by Ahmad (18424) and al-Tirmidhi (1087) and al-Albani declared it sahih (Sahih al-Tirmidhi, 1087)
Marriage exists for emotional and physical fulfillment. If there is no attraction between the couple, their union may not serve its purpose. This is why the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم asked Al-Mughirah to look at his potential spouse before finalizing his proposal. If he is happy with her piety and appearance—and she with his—then there will be greater harmony in their marriage. But if either of them sees something they dislike, it would be better and easier to terminate their plans at this point rather than after marriage.
The Hadith of the chapter has a background story that emphasizes love and attraction as a criterion for marriage.
A man came to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and said, “O Messenger of Allah, we have an orphan girl and two men proposed marriage to her: one rich and the other poor. She likes the poor one, but we like the rich one.”
Al-Luma‘ fi Asbab Wurud al-Hadith (p. 60)
It is after this inquiry of theirs that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم explained that marriage is best for lovers. He was stressing that attraction between the couple—when present—is to be considered in choosing a mate. If a heart is inclined to someone, marrying them gives it the greatest comfort and satisfaction. Conversely, forcing one to marry someone they dislike hurts the couple and leaves them regretful and dissatisfied.
But is attraction the most important criterion? And if not, what is? We see people marrying for different reasons, where what is important to one is not so for another. Not everyone is looking for money, beauty is subjective, and some only want to marry from within their culture while others resent it and marry outsiders. None of these reasons, however, is valid on its own until piety is included. Think about it. If a spouse has everything (beauty and wealth, for instance) but lacks piety, they would ruin the life of their spouse. When piety is absent, manners deteriorate. They will not observe the rights of their spouse as Allah commanded them. Their goals in life would be materialistic and displeasing to Allah. Because of this, they will drag their mate to Hell. But if a spouse has piety and nothing else—a highly unlikely scenario—they would at least guide their mate to Jannah. In addition, their love of Allah would sublimate their character and invite justice and mercy into their behavior. This is why piety is the first and most important condition, and why its absence is disastrous. Once piety is secured, one can seek other qualities that are important to them.
The challenge, however, is how to include what Allah loves in our choices. How do we put piety first? Many of us are primarily seeking physical beauty, and it happens to be the first thing that attracts us to others. Some are attracted to kindness or a sense of humor. This, still, is not piety. Extended interactions (physical and virtual) turn an attraction into feelings of love. When these feelings intensify, they leave no space in the
heart for what Allah loves. Hence, we end up marrying whom we are attracted to with no consideration for righteousness. With that choice, our love diverges from Allah’s love. And we pay for it later.
We must weld what we love to Allah’s love. Even though what we like is important, it is not as essential as the love of Allah. And we have to believe this and practice it every day. We have to grow the love of Allah in our hearts so that it is strong enough to eclipse other loves and desires. When Allah’s love is strong, we can subordinate other loves and desires to it. This does not mean, however, that we need to abandon our personal preferences altogether. No! It just means that we will not let our desires and impulses run our lives without giving thought to anything else. It means that if I am attracted to someone beautiful, but they are impious, I will decide right then that they
are not the one for me. And if I am not going to marry them, I will put some physical distance between us, avert my gaze, and stop indulging in fantasies about them. With time, this will go away. It means that I know that Allah is dearer to me than anyone and anything else, and I will not lose Him because of anyone else. It means that I know that if I leave something for Allah’s sake, that He will grant me something far better than
what I left. It means that I know that Allah will give me what will make me truly happy—in this life and the next—when I follow His guidance. If this is firmly planted in the hearts, it will make choosing what is pleasing to Allah easier. Once we set piety as the most important quality in a potential mate, we can also look for beauty, humor, or any other appealing feature. Yes, this, at times, will mean that I will not marry that supermodel or multimillionaire. But we do not need supermodels or multimillionaires to be happy.
Premarital attraction is not the same as post marital love. Premarital attraction is loving an idea. We imagine them to be one thing, and we fall in love with our construction and imagined reality. But you are not going to know the entire person until you live with them, until you see good and bad times together. Anything before that is pretense. Today, some have premarital relations and live with each other to test their compatibility. This choice, of course, shuns any blessing from Allah, and so is never an option for one who wants Allah’s love. A human being is not a car that you test drive to see if you like it. The Islamic etiquettes of engagement provide the proper channels for couples to get to know each other before marriage. But the point here is that you will never know someone until you spend a few years with them. And that relationship is not the same as your premarital attraction and fantasies. Love grows after marriage
and evolves into something bigger and more profound. This is why it is crucial not to be trapped by notions of romantic love that we inherit from movies and novels. Love is more complicated than that, and it is much, much deeper than that.
It is also true that love is not the basis of all marriages. ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab said:
The fewest of all homes are built on love. But people live together with Islam and kindness.
Masawi’ al-Akhlaq by al-Khara’itiy (p. 89)
The background of this perceptive comment was a man asking his wife if she loved him. She thought it was best to be honest and let him know that she did not. ‘Umar I did not like what she did. He wanted her to lie and say that she loved him. It is a harmless lie that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم allowed. But what was most important was his assessment of what keeps couples together. Not all homes have love, he said. A couple may marry out of love and then lose it. Or they did not marry for love and were not able to develop it. In either case, should they divorce because they are not in love? ‘Umar I explained that companionship is greater than that. People stay together to support each other, for religious reasons, and for the good that they see in the other person. We may not call this love, but it is a strong bond that fulfills much of our emotional and physical needs. If every couple needed to be romantically in love like Romeo and Juliet to stay married, many would divorce. Then what happens to them? What happens to the children? What happens if you sacrifice a good spouse for the sake of love that you never find? ‘Umar I was not asking anyone to stay married if they were
sad and miserable. He was pointing out that there are other reasons to remain married besides love. Romantic love is not everything.
Ishq and soulmates
Most of us have watched movies and read novels that valorize romantic love. In fact, it is likely to be the most popular entertainment trope. Whether it is tragic love, unrequited love, or love that conquers all the odds, the idea of finding your ultimate
love—your soulmate—is very powerful. And it sells, which is why it is used so often. It is clear that the idea resonates with many of us. And it is not surprising. We are all looking for love. But love in the entertainment industry is a for-profit-product. It is not intended to help us understand or find true love.
The idea of a soulmate—the one person in the world you need to be complete—may have its origins in philosophy. Or maybe philosophers came up with it to explain why some people fall in love. Either way, some philosophers speculated that a soul gets split in half before entry to earth, with each half occupying a different body. For this soul to be complete again, it must unite with its other half or remain forever restless (see al-Zahrah by Ibn Dawud al-Dhahiri, p. 53 and Mukhtasar Tawq al-Hamamah, by Ibn Hazm pp. 142–143). In Plato’s Symposium (pp. 22–24), Aristophanes presented a similar view. Humans, he explained, had originally two faces, four hands, and four legs. Zeus, angry with humans, split them in half. Therefore, humans cannot be complete until they once again unite with their other half. It is an entertaining story. But, of course, it is not true. Yet the idea of a soulmate—an all-consuming love that sweeps you off your feet and changes your entire life—is powerful. And with that comes the valorization of sacrificing everything for the sake of your true love, even your life. Dying for love rises to a modern-day martyrdom at par with dying for any noble cause. Movies sell this, we watch it, and we begin to believe it.
This type of excessive love is called Ishq in Arabic. Appendix I discusses the aptness of this term when referring to Allah. But it is still problematic when we apply it to humans. Ibn al-Qayyim wrote about Ishq:
It is one of the diseases of the heart…Having Ishq of [beautiful] images is only the affliction of hearts that are empty of Allah’s love, that have turned away from Him, and that had sought a substitute for Him. If the heart were filled with Allah’s love and longing to meet Him, this would push away the disease of Ishq of images. This is why Allah said about Yusuf, ﴾Such We have done to keep away evil and indecency away from him. He is of our sincere servants﴿ [Yusuf: 24]. This is evidence that sincerity protects from Ishq and its consequent evil and indecency, which are its fruits and end results. Protection from the effect is also protection from the cause. And this is why some of the pious predecessors said, “Ishq is the movement of an empty heart,” meaning empty of everything else except what they have Ishq for.
Zad al-Ma‘ad (pp. 244–246)
Ibn al-Qayyim V, among other scholars, considered extreme romantic love a sickness, not a virtue. And it is not difficult to understand why. All hearts are created to love, and we saw before that love is the strongest and most basic human emotion. As such, the heart must love, and it will tirelessly seek love until it finds it. What the heart is looking for, in essence, is the ultimate love, the missing piece that can make it complete. Only Allah can respond to the needs of the heart. No human has the capacity to play that role. A human cannot grant the security the heart needs, answer all its questions, remove all its anxieties, and give it lasting comfort. The heart knows that it is temporal and thus needs the comfort of loving an eternal that does not disappear. When the heart is separated from its love, it dies. And all earthly love is destined to end. So, only the love of the Eternal could cure the heart. Allah is what the heart is seeking, what it needs, and what will give it peace.
Now, when the heart is empty of Allah’s love, it will ache for any love to fill its void. When it admires a beautiful human and is sexually attracted to them, the heart will latch onto them and give them all its love. Like someone who is desperately hungry, the heart will voraciously consume this love. But this meal will make it sick. As this love dominates the heart, it will climb to the position reserved for Allah. And so, one will obey the dictates of this love, committing any haram for its sake. When love grows big enough, it can literally enslave the heart. Ibn al-Qayyim said:
The human is a slave to whom they love, no matter who they are. Al-Jawab al-Kafi (p. 181)
This takes place when it becomes our ultimate concern and love: we love it more than anything else. Its signs are unmistakable. We live for it, do everything for it, and are constantly thinking about it. It is the thing that makes us happy or sad. This extreme love competes with the love of Allah and prevents it from coming back. This is why that type of love is a disease. It is also agonizing for both body and soul. When one is so attached yet the object of their love—by nature—is unfulfilling, they will be tormented by what they love. When you love someone excessively, but they do not love you back or do not love you as much as you love them; when you love them, but they leave you, willingly or unwillingly; when you love them, and they use the power they have over you to hurt you—this love that is supposed to comfort you brings you pain instead.
We cannot ask from a human what they cannot give. No human can love you forever, no human can stay with you forever, and no human can make all your worries go away.
Ishq is a false substitute, a weakness, not an ideal. Ibn al-Qayyim interpreted the “evil” in Surah Yusuf ayah 24, quoted above, as Ishq and “indecency” as fornication (al-Fawa’id, p. 81). Those with Ikhlas (sincerity) are saved from it because they surrendered their hearts to Allah, and they seek no greater love than His. Ibn al-Qayyim wrote:
It is impossible for the love of the Highest Beloved and for Ishq of [beautiful] images to unite in a heart: they are opposites and they never meet. One of them has to expel the other. If one’s love is fully dedicated to the Highest Beloved—whom other than His Love is false and tormenting—that will protect them from loving someone other than Him. And if they love another, they only love them for His sake, or because it is a
means to His Love, or because it removes an obstacle to His Love or what decreases it. And true love requires the Tawhid (oneness) of the Beloved.
Al-Jawab al-Kafi (pp. 181–182)
The sincere—like everyone else—love their spouses, children, families, friends, and so on. But unlike those afflicted with Ishq, they do not allow human love to dominate their hearts to the extent that it becomes the love of their life. Allah is the love of their lives. Ibrahim was willing to sacrifice his only son, Isma‘il to please Allah. This is a son that he got after years of waiting and praying. Allah did not want Isma‘il to die. He wanted Ibrahim to put Allah first, before the dearest human to him. The sincere do not live and die for a human being. No human has the all keys to their happiness. No human can come between them and Allah.
Ishq starts small. It begins with a glance, an admiration, and then a gaze. It grows stronger the longer we stay close to them, especially if alone with them. And it intensifies with conversations, texting, touching, and fantasizing about being intimate with them. The inability to be with the object of one’s Ishq leads to increased longing, greater obsession, and physical sickness out of sadness and desperation. When one is afflicted with Ishq, the only thing they want is to be close to the object of their obsession. If they surrender to their urges and commit haram, their problems multiply. And if they do not, they are tormented with desire. Ishq is an awful trap. But, fortunately, there is treatment.
Ishq, as we have seen, stems from weakness in loving Allah. The heart is empty of Allah’s love, so other loves can easily dominate it. The treatment has to proceed on two fronts: strengthening the love of Allah and weakening the hold of Ishq. But we must be ready for a protracted battle, when needed. This disease is an addiction, and it may take a while, and all that we have to escape it. We have to be serious about seeking the cure. If you do not have it, take precautions so that it does not afflict you. This requires taking the following steps to increase our love for Allah and to weaken the likelihood of Ishq.
Steps for increasing the love of Allah:
1. Get to know Allah better. The more you know Him, the more that you will love Him.
2. Worship Him more. In extreme cases, devote extended time for worship. For instance, spend Ramadan (especially the last Ten Nights) in the mosque. Travel for Umrah and spend most of your time in the Haram, praying to Allah to save your heart.
3. Read the Quran and contemplate its meaning
4. Make plenty of du’a for Allah to grant you His love.
5. Remind yourself that only the love of Allah can make you
happy.
6. Read the biographies of great Muslims who devoted their lives to Allah and sacrificed so much for His sake.
7. Keep the company of pious Muslims so they would remind you of what is important and help you use your time wisely.
Steps for weakening Ishq:
1. Marry the one you love if they are a good potential spouse. If not, start thinking about marrying someone else.
2. Distance yourself from the object of your Ishq if you cannot marry them and do not indulge in fantasies about them.
3. Keep yourself busy with useful work.
4. Lower your gaze and do not look at haram.
5. Ask Allah fervently and repeatedly to assist you.
6. Stop listening to music. It only inflames the desire, endlessly talks about love, and sells fantasies that you do not need at this moment.
7. Stop watching movies. They glamorize and exaggerate physical beauty and will weaken your resolve.
8. Ponder the fact that each human is flawed and will decay and die. When you are obsessed with someone, you have an idealized image of them. So, think about their human flaws. Remember also that they will die and leave you. When you start seeing them as the imperfect humans we all are, they will not have such control over you.
The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
«Jibril came to me and said, “O Muhammad, live as long as you wish, for you will die. Love whomever you wish, for you will leave them. Do whatever you want, for you will be requited for it. And know that the believer’s honor is in praying at night, and their strength is in not needing people.”»
Reported by al-Tabarani in al-Mu‘jam al-Awsat (4278) and al-Bayhaqi in Shu‘ab al-Iman (10541). Al-Albani declared it hasan li-ghayrihi (Sahih al-Targhib, 726)
If we heed this hadith, we will know that every love will end except the love of Allah. No love then, except His love, should have power over us. Contemplate the reality of every other love, and it will dawn on you.
9. Consider that Ishq is stopping you from reaching the love of Allah, the greatest joy of this life and the next.
As long as you are striving, Allah will assist you. As long as you are trying, Allah will reward you. And you will overcome this addiction and free your heart from it. Start praying to Allah and turning to Him, and you will see the difference insha-Allah.
Forbidden attraction
An attraction could be forbidden because it is excessive, which is the Ishq that we discussed. It could also be forbidden because of the one we are attracted to.
We may be attracted to a member of the opposite sex that we cannot marry. The obstacle may be economic, social or cultural. It may be an unrequited attraction, or they may already be married. Whatever the reason, there is no possible way to be with them. Some will fall in love but not have the opportunity to get married, out of either economic pressure or particular circumstances that do not allow it. In both scenarios, there is an attraction but no marriage outlet. Some could be attracted to members of the same sex. We read in classic books in sections on Ishq that some men were attracted to younger men and adolescents and fell in love with them. It is possible to be attracted to anyone and even love them. The question is: what do we do with these feelings?
If we accept that love is an absolute good, that we should follow our hearts no matter where they take us, and that everyone deserves to be happy, we will tell everyone to go and be with the one they love. But if we believe that not all love is good and appropriate (e.g. is stalking someone an appropriate form of love?), then love must fulfill certain conditions to be called good. If we believe in Allah and His revelation, there will be no one better than Him to tell us whom to love and how.
What do we do if we find ourselves attracted to someone that we are not supposed to be with? Or there are no halal options for us? This attraction, this love, would be our test. And life is full of tests. In this test, Allah forbade something, but we desperately want it. Either we put our earthly love first or put the Greatest Love in existence above it. Sacrificing for Allah is the mark of those who love Him. And we all have to make that choice, sooner or later. All of us face that test. Some of us have greater tests than others; this is true. But the greatest tests are reserved for the best among us.
The only choice is to leave what you love for what Allah loves. If you cannot overcome the feelings you have for them, you can at least stay away from haram. I know it is difficult. And I know you can find those who will tell you to do what you feel is right. And I know that this could bring you immediate happiness. But I promise you that this happiness will not last. And I promise you that Allah is better than your friends, your earthly love, and everyone you have ever met. And I promise you that if you stay faithful to Him, He will give you much more than what you give up for His sake. I ask Allah to fill your life with love and Iman, and to bless you with loving Him more than anyone else.
DR. ALI ALBARGHOUTHI
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John Doe
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John Doe
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John Doe
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