CHAPTER 7: CONSUMMATING THE MARRIAGE
Advising the Married Couple
Prior to leaving the newlywed couple to themselves on their wedding night, it is important to give them advice regarding the Islamic guidelines for marital intimacy, rights and obligations between the spouses, and other issues of importance for them. Most of this necessary information is included in this book and its two sequels. (See “Closer Than a Garment” and “The Fragile Vessels” by the Author.)
Kindness to the Bride
The husband should be extremely kind to his bride on their first night together, especially if she is a virgin. He should understand that this night marks the beginning of a totally new life for her. This may make her nervous and slow in cooperating with him. So, he should not brutally force himself on her. If she does not appear to be fully ready on the first night, he should work on easing her emotions while waiting for the ultimate union between them one or more days later — as might be necessary.
Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) was very kind and gentle with ‘A’ishah on her first night with him. He gave her some milk to drink, allowed her young girlfriends to remain with her for a while, and talked to them jokingly – so as to make her feel at ease.
Asma Bint Yazid Bin as-Sakan (She was Mu’th Bin Jabal’s cousin: one of the Ansar women who gave her covenant to the Prophet(pbuh) during Bay at ur-Ridwan.) reported that she adorned Aishah for the Prophet (pbuh) and then invited him in. He came and sat next to her. He was given a large cup of milk. He drank some of it and then gave it to ‘A’ishah who shyly lowered her head.
Asma scolded her saying, “Do not reject Allah’s Messenger’s offer.” So she took the cup and drank some, and he then told her, “Give your friend.” Asma said, “O Allah’s Messenger! First take it back and drink from it, then give it to me with your hand.” He took it, drank from it, and gave it to Asma who sat down and drank, making sure that her lips were on the spot where the Prophet (pbuh) drank.(Seeking the blessing from Allah’s Messenger’s (pbuh) touch.) Then he pointed to some other women who were with her and said, “Give your friends.” They said, “We have no desire for it.” He said:
“Do not combine hunger with lying.” (Recorded by Ahmad. Verified to be Hasan by al-Albani (Adab uz-Zifaf p.92).)
Praying Two Rakats Together
It is recommended for the newlywed couple to pray two rakat in jama’ah, with the groom leading the prayer. This would be a great indication that, from their first night, they meet together on an act of obedience to Allah (swt)
Abu Said, the mawla (freed slave) of Abu Usayd, reported that while he was still a slave, he got married, and a number of the sahabah attended his walimah, including Ibn Mas’ud, Huthayfah, and Abu Tharr. When the iqamah was given for a prayer, Abu Tharr advanced to lead them, but they all told him, “Hold off (because the host has the right to lead).” He asked, “Is that so?” They said, “Yes.” Thus, Abu Saul advanced and led them in the prayer, even though he was an owned slave. After the prayer, they taught him:
“When your bride comes to you, pray two rak’at with her, then ask Allah to grant you of her good and protect you from her evil, and then you are free to do what you wish with your bride.” (Recorded by Ibn Abi Shaybah and ‘Abd ur-Razzaq. Verified to be authentic by al-Albanl (Adab uz-Zifaf p. 94))
Shaqiq reported that a man called Hariz came to ‘Abdullah Bin Mas’ud and said, “I have just married a young virgin, and I fear that she might dislike me.” Ibn Masud said:
“Indeed, love (between the spouses) is from Allah, and dislike is from Satan who wants to make you dislike what Allah made lawful to you. When she comes to you, tell her to pray two rakat behind you. Then say:
‘Allahumma barik li fi ahli, wa-barik lahum fiyya. Allahumm ajma baynana ma jama’ta bikhayr, wafarriq baynana itha farraqta ila khayr — O Allah,’ bless my wife for me, and bless me for her. O Allah, let our union be upon what is good, and let our separation, when you separate between us, be to what is good.'” (Recorded by Ibn Abi Shaybah and ‘Abd ur-Razzaq. Verified to be authentic by al- Albani (Adab uz-Zifaf p. 96).)
Invoking Allah’s Blessing
After praying the two rakat together, it is recommended for the husband to make supplications and invoke Allah’s blessings on himself and his bride.
‘Abdullah Bin ‘Amr reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“When one of you acquires a wife, a servant, or a riding animal, he should hold her (or it) by the forehead, invoke Allah’s blessing, and say:
“Bismillah, allahumma barik li fiha. Allahumma inni asaluka min khayriha wa-khayri ma jabaltaha alayhi, wa-authu bika min sharriha wa-sharri ma jabaltaha alayh – With Allah’s name. O Allah, bless her for me. O Allah, I ask You to grant me of her / its good, and the good upon which You created her / it; and I ask You to protect me from her / it’s evil and any evil upon which You created her / it.”
And if it is a camel (that he acquires), he should hold it by the peak of its hump (and say the same).” (A combined report recorded by al-Bukhari, Ibn Abi Shaybah, and others.)
Islamic Etiquettes of Marital Intimacy
There are important guidelines for the spouses to observe when they intimately approach one another. In what follows, we briefly outline some of them, keeping the detailed coverage for the sequel to this book: “Closer than a Garment”.
Supplication Before Intercourse
Even at the peak of his passion, a believer does not forget his Lord (swt). He remembers that his intercourse with his wife is a means of fulfilling many noble purposes — not only his lust (see Chapter 1). One of these noble purposes is producing a good progeny. Thus, it is important to supplicate to Allah to keep Satan away from him and his progeny. Ibn ‘Abbas reported that the Messenger (pbuh) said:
“When one of you wants to approach his wife, if he says:
“Bismillah. Allahumma jannib nash-Shaytan, wajannib ish-Shaytana ma razaqtana — With the Name of Allah. O Allah, keep Satan away from us, and keep him away from what You grant us,”
If it is then decreed that they have a child (from that intercourse), Satan will never harm it.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
Miscellaneous Adab for Intercourse
The following is a list of additional important adab that should be observed when being intimate or having intercourse with one’s spouse.
1. The man may only have intercourse with his wife in her front entry (vagina). Approaching her from the back entry is a major sin.
2. During his wife’s menses, a man may not have intercourse with her, but may otherwise enjoy other parts of her body. Performing intercourse with a menstruating woman is a major sin.
3. A person becomes junub (unclean) in one of two ways:
a) By climaxing and ejaculation, which results from intercourse wet dreams, foreplay, etc.
b) By performing intercourse — regardless of whether it results in ejaculation or not.
4. A junub person must take a ghusl (bath) before being able to pray. It is further recommended for a junub to take the ghusl before going to sleep or mentioning Allah. If that is not possible, one should at least wash his (or her) private parts and perform wudu.
5. It is strongly prohibited for the two spouses to disclose to others the secrets of what takes place during their intimate sessions.
The Morning Following the Wedding
On the morning following the wedding night, it is recommended for the husband to visit his family members and relatives, greet them, and supplicate for them. Anas reported:
“In the morning following Allah’s Messenger’s (pbuh) wedding with Zaynab, he visited his wives and exchanged with them salam and supplications. This was his practice on the morning following his wedding.” (Recorded by an-Nasa’i and Ibn Sa’d. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Adab uz-Zifaf p. 138).)
Honeymoon
A common practice is that the newlyweds would leave right after their wedding on a “honeymoon” trip. Depending on their finances, that trip could be to a country or area that has attractions for tourism.
There is no doubt that the honeymoon is one of the non-Muslims’ s practices that many Muslims rush to imitate. It is usually an occasion for adding to one’s record of sins: it involves mixing with many nonMuslims, listening to music, going to restaurants where alcohol is served, going to beaches and other attractions where the people are improperly attired, and so on.
If the newlyweds get a few days off from work on the occasion of their wedding, they should not use them in disobeying Allah. Rather, they can take the chance to go on a ‘Umrah trip or for visiting some family members to preserve the kinship ties and invite them to the good teachings of Islam.
By Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibali
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