CHAPTER 3: COURTING (2)
Courting a Woman Who is Being Courted
When a Muslim man is proposing to a woman, it is not permissible for other Muslims to propose to her. They should wait until her side (she, her family, or her representative) takes a clear position from the proposal: either acceptance or rejection. If that proposal is rejected, others may then approach her for marriage.
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales. Do not spy, nor look for the faults (of each other), nor oppose each other, nor envy one another, nor hate one another, nor desert each other — and, O Servants of Allah, be (true) brothers. Let not a man court a woman whom his brother is courting: (He should wait) until he marries or leaves her.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
‘Uqbah Bin ‘Amir reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“A believer is a brother to another believer. It is not permissible for a believer to negotiate a deal that his brother is negotiating, nor propose to a woman to whom his brother is proposing — until he leaves.” (Recorded by Muslim.)
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Let not any of you propose to a woman to whom his brother is proposing. (He should wait) until he marries or quits.”(Recorded by an-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albam (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 1817 & as-Sahihah no. 1030).)
‘Abdullah Bin ‘Umar reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Let none of you negotiate a deal that is being negotiated by another one, nor propose to a woman to whom another one is proposing.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, an-Nasa’i, and others. )
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Let not a man propose to a woman to whom his brother Is proposing, nor negotiate a deal that his brother is negotiating. A woman may not be married to a man who is married to her paternal or maternal aunt. A woman should not request that her sister be
divorced so that she would fill her own plate (with food — if she is a co-wife) or get married (instead of her), because she will only receive what Allah has prescribed for her.”
Other Prohibited Forms
The following forms of courting are also prohibited:
1. A man who has four wives may not court an additional woman — unless he divorces one or more of his wives.
2. A man is not allowed to court a woman whom he is not allowed to simultaneously marry with a current wife, such as her sister or aunt.
3. A man who had divorced a wife three times is not allowed to court or consider her unless she married after him another man who, after consummating their marriage, willfully divorces her.
4. A woman who is in her ‘iddah from a husband’s death or a terminal divorce 2 may not be approached with direct proposal before the end of her ‘iddah. She may only be approached by a subtle hint, such as telling her, “When you finish your ”iddah, a man with just a few children may want to marry you.” Allah says:
“There is no blame upon you for that to which you (indirectly) allude concerning a proposal to women, nor for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you are going to remember them. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying. And do not decide to undertake a marriage contract until the decreed period reaches its end. And know that Allah knows what is within yourselves, so beware of Him. And know that Allah is Forgiving and Tolerant” (Al-Baqarah 2:235.)
Offering a Woman for Marriage
It is permissible for a man to offer his daughter or the woman under his custody for marriage to those whom he trusts as being worthy of her.
‘Abdullah Bin ‘Umar reported that after the death of his sister Hat’s ah’s husband, Khunays Bin Huthafah as-Sahmi, ‘Umar offered Hafsah to ‘Uthman. A few nights later, Uthman apologized, “I have decided not to marry right now.” ‘Umar then offered her to Abu Bakr, and he did not give him an answer either. This saddened ‘Umar; but the Prophet (pbuh) consoled him saying:
“One who is better than Uthman will marry Hafsah, and Uthman will marry one who is better than Hafsah.(The Prophet (pbuh) meant his daughter Umm Kulthum)”( Recorded by al-Bukhari and Ibn Sad (Fath ul-Bari no. 5122).)
A few nights later, Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) asked him for her hand, and ‘Umar accepted. Later on, Abu Bakr met ‘Umar and asked him, “You were probably bothered when you offered me Hafsah and 1 did not give you an answer.” ‘Umar said, “Yes!” Abu Bakr then explained:
“Truly, what had prevented me from giving you an answer when you offered her to me was that I knew that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) had mentioned (marrying) her, and I was not to expose Allah’s Messenger’s (pbuh) secret. Had he declined marrying her, I would surely have accepted her.”
Allah (swt) tells us about another case where a righteous man offered one of his two daughters in marriage to Musa:
“He said, “Indeed, I wish to marry to you one of these two daughters of mine, on condition that you serve me for (at least) eight years; but if you complete ten, it will be (a favor) from you.””(Al-Qasas 28:27.)
Performing Istikhara and Seeking Advice
Description of Istikharah
Istikharah means seeking good through putting one’s complete trust in Allah. A believer should perform istikhara before starting any important undertaking. Since marriage is one of the most important decisions that a person takes, it is important for both the man and woman to perform istikhara before they give the final word that binds them together.
Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) used to teach his companions to perform istikhara in all of their affairs — as though he was teaching them a surah from the Quran. He told them:
“When one of you is about to do something (important), let him pray two non-obligatory rakat and then say:
“Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi-ilmika, waastaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa-as’aluka min fadlik alaz.im, fa-innaka taqdiru wa-la aqdir, wa-tdlamu wala alam, wa-anta ‘allam ul-ghuyub. Allahumma in kunta ta’lamu anna hatha 1-‘antra (and he names his intended affair) huwa khayrun li fi dini wa-maashi, wa-aqibati amri wa-ajilihi, wa-ajilihi, fa-qdurhu li, wa-yassirhu li, thumma barik li fih. Wa-in kunta ta’lamu anna hatha ‘l-amra huwa sharrun li fi dini wa-maashi, wa-aqibati amri wa-‘ajilihi wa-ajilihi, fa-srifhu ‘anni wa-srifni anhu, wa-qdur liy-al-khayra haythu kan, thumma raddini bih —
O Allah, I ask You to choose for me with Your knowledge and decree for me with Your might, and 1 ask You of Your great favor. Indeed, You decree and I do not, and You know and I do not; You surely are the Knower of all that is hidden. O Allah, if You know that this affair (and he names it) is good for me in regard to my religion, my living, and its outcome — both immediate and future, decree it, facilitate it, and then bless it for me. And if You know that this affair is harmful for me in regard to my religion, my living, and its outcome — both immediate and future, divert it from me and divert me from it, and decree for me good wherever it may be, and then make me content by it.”
And indeed, never would he regret who asks the Creator to choose for him, and consults with the creation, and ascertains his actions.” (Recorded by al-Bukhan and others.)
From this hadith, it is obvious that the istikharah is a special dud that has the following characteristics:
1. It is said when intending to perform an important act, and just before embarking on that act, with the expectation that Allah (swt) will choose the best.
2. It is preceded with a voluntary prayer consisting of two rakat. One may raise one’s hands while saying it — as is recommended for any dud.
3. After a person makes istikharah, he should undertake what he was planning to do before it. If that is good for Him, Allah (swt) would surely facilitate it, otherwise. He would bring about some circumstances to hinder it.
4. Contentment with its outcome may not be felt immediately, but will surely materialize with time.
Misconceptions about Istikharah
a. A misconception concerning istikharah is that it is made when a person is undetermined between two or more alternatives, it is clear from the above hadith that it should only be made after he had decided which of the alternatives to undertake.
b. Some people think that one of the important requirements of istikharah is to perform it just before going to sleep, and that some dreams should indicate what to do.
c. Other people think that the istikharah puts in the heart an inclination toward the proper choice.
There is no basis for either of these two assumptions, and the above hadith supports neither. In fact, the hadith indicates that when, as a result of the istikharah, Allah hinders an affair that a person was about to undertake, that might bring some dislike into his heart, and he therefore asks Allah to give him contentment.
Seeking Advice
We have seen from the above hadith that, in addition to istikharah, it is recommended to consult with some knowledgeable people before making an important decision.
Thus it is recommended for the man and woman (or her wait) to investigate about his or her intended partner, making sure that she or he has the required good attributes.
When a person’s advice is sought in regard to individuals that are considered for marriage, business partnership, etc, he should provide truthful and honest advice. This advice should be limited to matters relevant to the affair in question, and should not be exceeded to other areas because that may then count as a prohibited form of backbiting.
Fatimah Bint Qays reported that her husband ‘Amr Bin Hafs sent ‘Ayyash Bin Abi Rabiah to deliver to her a third and final divorce, and he sent with him a quantity of dates and barley as a present to her. She protested to ‘Ayyash and requested more support, but he responded, “By Allah, you do not deserve support unless you were pregnant.” She went complaining to Allah’s Messenger (pbuh), and he asked her, “How many times did he divorce you?” She replied, “Three times.” He said, “He is right, then – he does not owe you any support (because the marriage was terminal).”
The Prophet (pbuh) told her to spend her ‘iddah in Umm Sharik’s house, but then remembered that some of his male companions went into her house. So he said:
“Spend your ‘iddah in the house of your cousin Abdullah Ibn Unnn Maktum’s. Indeed, he is a blind man, and when you remove your head-cover, he cannot see you. When you complete your ‘iddah, inform me.”
When she completed her ‘ iddah, Fatimah went to the Prophet (pbuh) and told him that both Muawiyah Bin AbT Sufyan and Abu Jahm asked for her hand. Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“As for Abu Jahm, he is harsh with women, and never takes the stick off his shoulder; and as for Mu’awiyah, he is a poor man without any money. Marry Usamah Bin Zayd.”
She disliked that, but the Prophet (pbuh) repeated, “Marry Usamah Bin Zayd.”
“Then I married Usamah; Allah put a great deal of good in him, and I was very happy with him.” (Recorded by Muslim, Abu Dawud, and others.)
TELLING THE TRUTH
As we indicated above, it is important to provide truthful information in regard to the two individuals involved in a khitbah. The information should be limited to matters that are expected to have a bearing on the marriage. Absolute truth is required from the two involved parties: the man seeking to marry and the woman being sought, as well as their representatives, and any other individuals who are asked for advice.
Hiding any problems that one knows about is a sinful act of mistrust in Islam, and could result in numerous future predicaments.
For instance, one is required to indicate any physical problem in the two individuals involved in the khitbah. If either of them has a physical deficiency, such as impotence, venereal diseases, etc., he (or she) should make it known to the other individual before approving the engagements.
As for the one who thus learns about some problems in the other person, he is not allowed to publicize that knowledge or expose those secrets.
Violations in Khitbah
There are many violations that some Muslims have introduced into the process of khitbah. Many of those violations arise from blind imitation of the non-Muslims, in what follows we mention a few of them:
1. Privacy & Intimacy between the Engaged Couple
After the engagement, and before the marriage contract, the woman’s family permits her to go out with the “fiancee”, have khulwah with him, and even touch and kiss him.
Some people think of the engagement as a “test-drive” period in which they fully try out their partners to see if they will be able to pursue a long life together. With that, they commit many sins, minor and major, including zinci. And interestingly, many of these engagements prove unsuccessful and end up in separation before marriage!
Some families like to extend the engagement period to months or even years, thereby providing more chances for the engaged couple to fall into sinning.
2. Engagement Party
In many Muslim countries, the khitbah is held publicly in the form of a reception or party in which drinks are served, music is played, and the bridegroom kisses the bride or takes pictures with her. All of that is in great discord with the Sunnah and the Islamic teachings, and should therefore be totally avoided.
Furthermore, a khitbah should stay away from the people’s eyes because no legal shari consequences result from it. If, for any reason, a publicized khitbah is not concluded with actual marriage, serious harm may result from publicizing it, especially in regard to the bride’s reputation.
3. Engagement Rings and Jewelry
The engaged couple often exchange “engagement” rings, and the bridegroom gives the bride jewelry and gifts at the time of khitbah. This is in violation of Islam, since there is no reason yet for any property or gift exchange to take place — until they are legally bound by the marriage contract. In many cases, this premature act leads to serious disputes if the engagement is broken for any reason.
Furthermore, the “engagement” ring has no basis in Islam. It originates from an old Christian practice that the Muslims should not imitate.
By Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibali
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