CHAPTER 3: COURTING (1)
Definitions and Examples
Definitions
When a man finds a woman of good attributes for marriage, his next step would be to propose to her or her family. We call this “courting” or “khitbah”; it is the act of asking for a woman’s hand in marriage. Depending on the situation, the interested man may personally approach the woman or her representatives, or may ask some of his relatives or friends to represent him in that.
If a man’s proposal is accepted, the woman is considered “engaged” to him. This “engagement” counts as a legally unbinding attachment that precedes the full and binding attachment of the marriage contract.
Even though an approved khitbah is not legally binding upon the two involved parties, it still constitutes a mutual pledge for marriage; and breaking it without a valid reason would be an immoral act of dishonesty.
A valid reason for breaking a khitbah would be for the bride’s side to discover a serious problem in the bridegroom of which they were not aware when they gave their approval. Similarly, if the bridegroom discovers a problem in the bride that he did not know when he asked for her hand, he may take that as grounds for breaking the khitbah.
Examples from the Sunnah
In a hadith that will be fully cited in the next chapter, a man asked the Prophet (pbuh) to marry a certain woman to him, and he (pbuh) said:
“Go (have her as wife); I marry her to you for the portion of the Quran that you have memorized.” (Recorded by al-Bukhaff, Muslim, and others.)
In the case of ‘A’ishah, who was a virgin, the Prophet(pbuh) proposed to her father. ‘Urwah Bin az-Zubayr reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) asked for ‘A’ishah’ s hand from her father Abu Bakr. Abu Bakr said, “But indeed, 1 am your brother!” Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) replied:
“You are my brother in regard to Allah’s Din and His Book. But as for her, she is permissible for me (to marry).” (Recorded by al-Bukhari. Al-Albani) indicated that, even though this is a report from ‘Urwah who is a tabi’i, he must have heard it from his aunt ‘A’ishah or his mother Asma (Irwa ul-Ghalil no. 1818).)
On the other hand, the Prophet (pbuh) approached Umm Salamah directly. Umm Salamah reported that when her ‘iddah (A woman’s waiting period after her divorce or her husband’s death before she may remarry.) was over. Abu Bakr proposed to her and she refused him. Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) then sent someone to ask for her hand on his behalf and she agreed. (Recorded by an-Nasa’i, Ahmad, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa ul-Ghalil no. 1819).)
Abu Bakr Bin Hal’s reported that when Ibn Umar was asked to propose on someone’s behalf he would go to the woman’s family and say:
“All praise is due to Allah, and may Allah bestow His salah upon Muhammad. Indeed, so-and-so is asking for the hand of so-and-so in marriage. If you marry her to him, praise be to Allah (for facilitating this); and if you reject him, exalted is Allah (Who is above all deficiencies that exist in His creation).”(Recorded by al-Bayhaqi. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa’ul-Ghahl no. 1822).)
Buraydah Bin al-Hasib reported that a group of al-Ansar told Ali, “Why don’t you consider Fatimah (for marriage)?” Acting upon their advice, he went to the Prophet(pbuh) who asked him, “What does the son of Abu Talib need?” He replied, “O Allah’s Messenger! I came in regard to Fatimah the daughter of Allah’s Messenger.” The Messenger (pbuh) replied, “Marhahan wa-ahlan — Welcome, and a family member,” and he said no more. ‘Ali went back to that group of al-Ansar who were waiting for him. They asked him, “What do you bring?” He said, “I do not know, except that he said to me, l marhaban wa-ahlan.”’ They said, “Just one of these two words would suffice you from Allah’s Messenger(pbuh); he offered you the ‘family’ and ‘vastness’.” (Recorded by Ibn Sa’d, at-TabaranT, and lbn ‘Asakir. Verified to be hasan by al- Albani (Adab uz-Zifafpp. 173-174). A more complete version of this hadith is cited in Chapter 5. )
The Bidah of Reciting al-Fatihah
A widely spread practice among Muslims is that, when a man asks for a woman’s hand and her family accepts his proposal, they all raise their hands and recite al-Fatihah. This practice is a bidah because it has no basis in the Sunnah or the practice of the salaf.
Looking at the Courted Woman
Permission
When a man intends to marry a certain woman, and prior to formally proposing to her, it is permissible for him to look at her and see as much of her as is normally possible. This would help him make the right decision and be sure that he truly is comfortable with her looks and would like to have her as wife.
Abu Hurayrah reported that he was with the Prophet (pbuh) when a man came to him and told him that he had just married a woman from the Ansar. The Prophet(pbuh) asked him, “Have you looked at her?” He replied, “No!” He (pbuh) said:
“Look at her, because there is something (a smallness) in the Ansar’s eyes.” (Recorded by Muslim, an-Nasa’i, and others.)
Al-Mughirah Bin Shu’bah and Anas Bin Malik reported that al-MughTrah wanted to marry a woman, so Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) said to him:
“Go look at her: it will then be more possible to have harmony between the two of you.”
He went to her house. She was inside her bedroom, and he met her parents and told them, “Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) instructed me to look at her.” They remained speechless, but the young woman raised one side of her bedroom’s curtain and said, “I strongly reproach you! If Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) instructed you to look at me, look. But if he did not, do not!” He looked at her, and then married her. He later mentioned, “No other woman attained her status (of love) with me, even though I have married more than seventy women!” (Recorded by Ahmad, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 96).)
Muhammad Bin Maslamah reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“When it comes into a person’s heart to court a woman, it is permissible for him to look at her.” (Recorded by Ibn Majah, Ahmad, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 98),)
Also, Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that he heard the Prophet(pbuh) say:
“When one of you courts a woman, if he could see her as much as would convince him to marry her, he should do so.”
Implementing this instruction, Jabir said:
“Afterwards, I wanted to marry a woman, so I used to hide to observe her – until I had seen that which led me to marrying her.” (Recorded by Abu Dawud, Ahmad, and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 99 & Irwa ul-Ghalil no. 1791).)
Conditions
It is prohibited for a man to look intently at a woman if he is not her mahram. Looking at a woman for the purpose of marrying her is an obvious exception to this rule and must, therefore, fulfill certain conditions.
Abu Humayd as-Saidi reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“When one of you courts a woman, it is permissible for him to look at her if he only looks because he seeks to marry her — even if she does not know (that he is watching her).” (Recorded by Ahmad and at-Tabarani (in al-KabTr). Verified to be authentic by Albani (as-Sahihah no. 97).)
From this and other texts, we derive the following conditions:
1. The difference between a casual look and the look of a man seeking marriage is that the latter is allowed to stare and repeat the look.
2. Looking should be for the purpose of marriage, and not for the purpose of fulfilling a desire or lust.
3. A man may only look at a woman who is available for him to marry, knowing that, should he propose, her family could possibly approve of him.
4. Looking should be without touching or khulwah (privately meeting with her).
5. Looking should be limited to the body parts that a woman is permitted to expose to strangers, namely, her face and hands.
Some scholars, based on the above hadith of Jabir (p. 39), permit the man to look at more than the minimum that we specified above. We do not favor this opinion for a number of reasons. Most importantly, it could easily be abused by the sick-hearted, opening for them a wide gate for defaming or lusting after innocent women.
If a man finds that looking was not sufficient to give him a satisfactory idea about the woman that he intended to marry, he may appoint a woman from his relatives to look at her closely and tell him more about her.
Exchanging Photographs
With the wide availability of photography nowadays, a frequently asked question is whether it is allowed for the interested couple to exchange photographs.
Before answering this question, we need to point out a few important matters:
1. Photographs or pictures of beings with souls are generally prohibited in Islam. They are only allowed in situations of definite maslahah (benefit) for the Muslims, and only when no other permissible means can fulfill the same purpose as they do.
2. Even if a photograph was classified as being permissible in a particular situation, it may not show a prohibited thing, such as a woman without full hijab.
3. When a courtier looks at a woman that he wishes to marry, his looks can be controlled by her or her wall, so that it would not invade her privacy or exceed what is permissible. To the contrary, a man can stare at a woman’s photograph longer, show it to others who are not supposed to see it, and keep it in his possession even if the courting negotiations do not reach a successful conclusion. This leads to a serious harm for the woman — with her private photographs becoming widely accessible for whoever cares to view them.
For all of the above, exchanging photographs is not permissible — except in situations where one of the woman’s mahrams would show her photograph to the courter without leaving it in his possession.
Is a Woman Allowed to Look?
Just as a man is allowed to look at his intended wife, a woman is allowed to look at her intended husband — with the above conditions, and noting that a man’s awrah extends from his navel to his knees. However, unlike men, a woman’s looks should reflect a certain level of modesty and reservation that are characteristic of her femininity.
Talking and Correspondence
Talking and correspondence are permissible between a man and a woman whom he is seriously considering for marriage. However, this should be done under controlled conditions: in the presence and watch of the woman’s wall or his representative, avoiding khulwah, touching, Or other prohibitions, and limiting it to what is necessary for helping the couple make their decision.
Woes of Internet Courting
The Internet is one of the newest and most powerful communication tools that were ever conceived by humanity. The average person nowadays spends many hours every week on the Internet: surfing, searching, reading, writing, learning, chatting, buying, selling, and so on. It is not surprising, then, that many individuals look for spouses in this wonderful land! Men and women “chat”, e-mail one another, and even exchange digitized pictures!
However, courting and marrying over the Internet often has negative results. It involves many sinful or questionable practices, among which are the following:
1. Each individual paints about himself or herself an unreal picture that is meant to impress the other side. One describes what he (or she) wishes to be, not what one reality is! Being in a private room with a keyboard and a monitor provides a big chance for pretence. Thus, lying and deceit are prevalent in this kind of communication. Asma reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“A person who pretends to have that which he does not is like one who wears two garments of deceptions. “
2. As we will see in the next chapter, a woman’s wall is normally responsible for investigating a prospective husband’s family, friends, manners, finances, etc. With Internet courting, on the other hand, a woman forsakes all of this and makes herself the ultimate judge, allowing her emotions and the courier’s cunning to make one of the most important decisions of her lifetime!
3. A great deal of precious time is wasted in writing polished e-mails and exchanging worthless “chats”. ‘Abdullah Bin Mas’ud and Abu Burazah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“A human being’s feet will not depart from before his Lord, on Resurrection Day, until he is questioned about five things: his lifetime and how he consumed it, his youth and body and how he utilized it, his wealth and how he earned and spent it, and what he did in regard to what he knew.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 946).)
4. Digitized pictures are often exchanged. As indicated above, this practice is largely prohibited, especially since digitized pictures can be easily and permanently stored on the computer, and electronically exchanged with other “interested” individuals.
5. In many cases, Internet communication takes place between a man and a married woman (often with children)! The woman starts seeing her husband’s mistakes well magnified, and her Internet chatter grows in her thoughts into a perfect hero that will surely save her from the miserable life with her husband. We have witnessed a number of such cases that ended in divorce, or in the woman running away from her husband’s house to join the hero that she never met! As we will see in the next section, turning a woman against her husband is a great sin.
Because of the above and many other reasons, Internet courting is a dangerous practice that should be largely avoided by the righteous Muslims.
Prohibited Courting
Courting a Married Woman
It is prohibited to court a woman who is married. The same is true about a woman whose husband divorced her a non-final divorce (a first or second time) and she is still in her Hddah (waiting period). The reason for this is that in both cases she is considered under the authority of her husband, and no other man may challenge that authority.
It is indeed a great sin to turn a woman against her husband with the intention of marrying her. Abu Hurayrah and Buraydah reported that Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) said:
“He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband or a slave against his masters.” (Recorded by Abu Dawud, Ahmad, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albam (Sahih ul-Jami no. 5436, 5437, 6223, & as-Sahihah no. 324, 325).)
By Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibali
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