CHAPTER 2: THE HUSBAND’S OBLIGATIONS (4)
Company and Intimacy
The wife has a right on her husband for emotional and physical gratification. As we have seen in the above ayah (an-Nisa 129), it is not permissible for a man to neglect his wife so that she would be in a suspended state, not enjoying any of his love and affection. Abdullah Bin Amr Bin Al-As reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said to him:
“O Abdullah: Have I not been informed that you fast the days and stand the nights (in prayer)? Do not do this, because it would tire your eyes and weaken your body. So, fast (on some days) and break your fast (on others); and get up (for the night prayer) and sleep; for, indeed, your body has a right upon you, your eyes have a right upon you, and your wife has a right upon you. Indeed, it would suffice you to fast three days from each month, because you get for each good deed ten times its worth; thus, that would count as fasting the whole time.”
‘Abdullah said, “But I find in myself the strength to do more. He (pbuh) replied:
“Fast then the way that Allah’s prophet Dawud fasted, and do not add to it: half the time (i.e., every other day).” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others. )
We have cited additional hadiths relating to this in the first book of this series. (See “The Quest for Love & Mercy” by the author.)
Service and Help
As we will see in the next chapter, it is more of the wife’s than the husband’s responsibility to perform the various chores within the home. However, this does not mean that the man should be absolutely reluctant to extend a helping hand to his wife. To the contrary, helping her is an expression of his love and compassion. A common excuse, “I have no time for that,” is usually a false one. Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) was the busiest of men. He conveyed the Message, led the armies, ruled the Muslims, and took care of all his wives. Furthermore, when he was at home, he would be at the service of his family! Al-Aswad reported that he asked ‘A’ishah, “What did the Prophet (pbuh) do at home?” She said:
“He used to be at the service of his family; and when it was time for prayer, he would go out to pray.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari.)
Aishah was also asked, “What did Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) do at home?” She replied:
“He acted like other men; he would mend his clothes, milk his goat, and serve himself.” (Recorded by Ahmad, al-Bukhari (in al-Adab ul-Mufrad), and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 671).)
Discipline
A leader will inevitably have to deal with the “tough” job of discipline.
Discipline is an important process that must be properly implemented. It has its rules and regulations. Violating those rules would undermine or invalidate the whole process, and may result in more damage than good.
The man, being the leader of the family, has the obligation of enforcing the “family law” for the well-being of the family. The rules of discipline between the man and his wife have been set by Allah (swt) in His Book and in His Messenger’s (pbuh) Sunnah.
In the following, Allah (swt) mentions four main steps for dealing with a rebellious wife (who insists on violating Allah’s commands):
“But those women from whom you fear defiance — (first) admonish them; then (if they persist), forsake them in bed; and (finally,) strike them. If they then obey you, seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Great. And if you fear dissension between the two of them, appoint an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from hers. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will facilitate it between them. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.” (An-Nisa 4:34-35.)
Abu Bakr Ibn al-‘Arabi said:
“Among the best of what I heard in explanation of this ayah is the saying of Sa’id Bin Jubayr, ‘He(the husband) would admonish her. If she complies (he should stop there), otherwise, he would desert her. If she complies (he should stop there), otherwise, he would hit her. If she complies (he should stop there), otherwise, he would seek arbitration, with an arbitrator appointed from each side. They (the arbitrators) would see who is causing the problem; at that point, the marriage could be terminated.’” (Ahkam ul-Quran 1:420. )
Ibn Kathir commented on the words, “Exalted and Great” in the first ayah (34) saying:
“This carries a strong warning to the men who transgress over women without a reason. Indeed, Allah, the Exalted and Great, is then the women’s protector, and he will surely take revenge against anyone who oppresses them or transgresses over them.”(Tafsir al-Quran il-’Azim.)
Admonishment
From the above ayah, we see that the first step in discipline is admonishment. One may not go to the next step before performing this step. And admonishment should be conducted earnestly, in a manner satisfying the proper etiquettes of commanding the good and forbidding the wrong.
Laqit Bin Sabirah reported that he said to the prophet (pbuh), “O Allah’s Messenger! I have a wife who has something in her tongue (i.e., she has offensive language).” The Prophet (pbuh) proposed, “Divorce her.” He said, “I have children with her, and we have been together for a long time.” He (pbuh) said:
“Admonish her. If there is good in her, she will obey. Do not hit your wife like you would hit a slave girl.” (Recorded by Abu Dawud, Ibn Hibban, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (al-Mishkat no. 3260 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 5870).)
ABANDONMENT
If admonishment fails and the wife persists in her wrong behavior, the husband may go to the next step, which is abandoning her bed. This is a strong disciplinary action that would normally shake the woman’s being and make her realize that her husband is willing to forsake her bed and charms because of her rebellious behavior, which is often a sufficient reason for her to take heed and comply.
The Prophet (pbuh) practiced this form of discipline on some occasions. We will see in our discussion of the Mothers of the Believers that he (pbuh) once abandoned ‘A’ishah and Hafsah. On another occasion, he abandoned all of his wives for one month because they asked for additional financial support. Allah (swt) then revealed:
“O Prophet! Say to your wives, “If you desire the worldly life and its adornment, come, I will provide for you and give you a gracious release. But if you should desire Allah and His Messenger and the home of the Hereafter — then indeed, Allah has prepared for the doers of good among you a great reward.” (Al-Ahzab 33:28-29.)
Permission of Hitting
As we have seen in the above ayah of Surat un-Nisa (4:34), if the first two steps do not work with the wife and she continues to be disobedient and rebellious, the husband may resort to hitting her.
However, hitting has restrictions: it should not be painful, should not leave marks on the body, and should avoid the face, head, and abdomen. Amr Bin al-Ahwas al-Jushami reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Lo! Take good care of women, for they surely are captives under your charge, and you do not possess them any more than this (subordination) – unless they commit a manifest sin. If they do, abandon them in sleep, and beat them lightly. If they obey you, do not apply any further punishment.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi, an-Nisa’i and Ibn Majah. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 7880 & Irwa ul-Ghalil no. 2030).)
‘Ata reported that he asked Ibn ‘Abbas, “What is ‘light hitting’?” He replied, “It is to hit with a siwak (Siwak or miswak A thin and short stick stick (usually about 6 inches or 20 cm long), cut from the roots of a desert tree called arak, and used to clean the teeth.) stick or something like it.” (Al-Qurtubi’s “Al-Jami‘ li-Ahkam il-Quran” 5:172. )
One may ask, “What is the benefit of light hitting?” The answer is that a woman normally has a sensitive nature; the slightest show of discourtesy to her would tremendously affect her and cause her to rethink her actions. If, on the other hand, light hitting does not work with her, brutal hitting won’t.
We should keep in mind that the purpose of hitting is to correct and remind, and not to avenge or harm.
Disapproval of Hitting
Even though a man is allowed to hit his wife in certain situations, hiting her is disliked in Islam and is considered the resort of the helpless. Iyas Bin ‘Abdillah ad-Dawsi reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Do not hit Allah’s female slaves (i.e., the women)”
Later on, Umar came to the Prophet (pbuh) saying, “The women have rebelled against their husbands.” So he (pbuh) gave the men permission to hit them. On the following day, many women came to Allah’s Messenger’s (pbuh) houses (i.e., his wives’) complaining. So he addressed the people saying:
“Indeed, a large number of (or seventy) women have come to the houses of Muhammad’s families, all of them complaining that their husbands had beat
them. By Allah, you will not find that those (who hit their wives) are the best among you.” (Recorded by Abu Dawud, Ibn an-Nasa’i, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 5137).)
Our Prophet and example (pbuh), never hit any of his wives. ‘A’ishah reported:
“Never did Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) hit with his hand a woman, a servant, or anyone else except during fighting for Allah’s cause.” (Recorded by Muslim and others.)
It is inconceivable how a man could harshly hit his wife and then expect her to render intimate pleasures to him! Abdullah Bin Zam’ah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“(How could) one of you turn to his wife and whip her like whipping a camel and then make love to her at the end of the day!?” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
Many husbands abuse their wives and justify this by the texts that command the wife to obey the husband or that allow him to discipline her. Those husbands must understand that discipline is a well-regulated matter in Islam, and has no room for abuse. An abusive husband is indeed an oppressor, and what we have mentioned regarding oppressors applies to him. Furthermore, an abused wife has the full right to turn to justice and seek punishment of her abusive husband.
Divorce
We have seen above that the last step in the discipline process is arbitration. If that does not work, nothing would be left but divorce.
Divorce is a right for the husband. But it is his obligation to apply it in the right measure and when the necessity arises. Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) had nine wives at one time. Yet, we know of only one case where he used this “privilege”. (See the biography of Hafsah later in this book.)
By Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly
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