CHAPTER 2: THE HUSBAND’S OBLIGATIONS (3)
UNDERSTANDING AND COPING WITH THE WIFE’S ATTITUDE
Every person, male or female, may exhibit an attitude of anger from time to time. A man should not make his wife’s occasional anger a means of retaliation and revenge. Rather, he should deal with if jokingly or with light spirits, following the Prophet’s (pbuh) example ‘A’ishah reported that one day Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said to her:
“Indeed, I know when you are pleased with me, and when you are angry: When you are pleased with me you say (while making an oath), “No, by the Lord of Muhammad.” And when you are angry with me you say, “No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.” “
She replied, “Yes indeed, by Allah, O Allah’s Messenger! abandon (when angry) except your name.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and Ahmad)
Understanding the Woman’s Different (Bent-Rib) Nature
When the woman makes a mistake, her husband should maintain patience and kindness, realizing that some of what may appear as mistakes is probably not so. The woman has a different nature from the man s, and thus may take actions different from what he would.
The Prophet (pbuh) indicated that the woman (Ilawwa* or Eve) was originally created from the man’s (Adam’s) rib. By nature, the rib is bent. Thus, a woman’s nature will never totally coincide with a man’s because there is a “bend” between them.
It may be equally true to say that, from a woman’s viewpoint, there is a bend in the man’s nature, which means that his actions never completely coincide with hers.
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) ordered:
“Take good care of women, because the woman was created from a bent rib, and the most curved part of a rib is its upper end. If you insist on straightening it, you will break it; and if you leave it, it will remain bent. So take good care of women. “ (Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim.)
The reference in this hadith to the rib’s upper end seems to point to the head, which houses major human faculties (seeing and hearing) and the tongue that performs the speaking. The head is also the part of the body where the thinking process takes place. Ibn Hajar said:
“It is possible that he (pbuh) gave this as example for the uppermost part of the woman, because her uppermost part is her head: It encases her tongue from which harm comes.’’ (Fath ul-Bari no. 5186.)
This means that the difference between the man and woman is mostly in their different approach to dealing with issues that require thinking, the way they perceive things, and the way they emotionally react (by laughing, cursing, lying, etc) under different circumstances.
Similarly, Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) ordered:
“He who believes in Allah and the Last Day, when witnessing a matter, should say a good thing or remain silent. Take good care of women, because the woman was created from a rib, and the most curved part of a rib is the top part. So if you insist on straightening it you break it, and if you leave it, it will remain bent. So take good care of women.” (Recorded by Muslim.)
The advice in this report in regard to saying good things confirms what we have pointed out — that the head, being the source of speech, is also the source of difference between the man and woman and is the thing of which they both need to be watchful.
Samurah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The woman was created from a rib. If you try to straighten the rib, you would break it. So be kind to her, you would then live in joy with her.” (Recorded by Ahmad, Ibn Hibban and al-Hakim. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 1944).)
In this report, the Prophet (pbuh) describes forcing a woman to change some of her attitudes as the breaking of a rib, and breaking the rib here means divorce. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The woman was created from a rib. She will not be straight according to your way. If you want to enjoy her, you will have to enjoy her with her twist. And if you try to straighten her, you would break her:and breaking her is divorcing her.”(Recorded by Muslim and at-Tirmidhi.)
Looking at the Wife’s Better Side
We conclude from the above that a man should overlook some of his wife’s mistakes — as long as they are not sins. The Prophet (pbuh) indicated that changing some of a woman’s traits is difficult or even impossible.
Just like the man, a woman is not perfect. To enjoy the marriage the man must forgive and overlook some of his wife’s actions that he dislikes. At the same time, he should acknowledge her actions that he likes. Surely, in most cases, her good points will overwhelm the bad ones. Allah (swt) says:
“Even if you dislike (your wives), perhaps you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good.” (An-Nisa’ 4:19)
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Let not a believing man hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her traits, he would be pleased by others. ”(Recorded by Muslim and Ahmad.)
Dwelling only on the bad side while ignoring the good side is a certain way to destroy the marriage. If men ignore this fact, misery and depression will fill their marriage, and this may lead to divorce.
Entertaining the Wife
It is recommended for a man to be playful with his wife and do lawful things that would entertain her and bring joy to her heart. This was the practice of Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) with his wives, as is extensively reported by ‘A’ishah and other Mothers of the Believers. A good example is the hadith about Umm Zar, presented at the end of this book.
Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah and Jabir Bin ‘Umayr reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Everything that does not involve remembrance of Allah is futile, senseless, and wasted — except for four acts: a man entertaining his wife, a man training his horse, a man walking between the two posts (when practicing archery), and teaching swimming to another man.” (Recorded by an-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 4534 and as-Sahihah no. 315).)
Giving Salam to the Wife and Family
A Muslim is required to give salam to other Muslims when he meets them. This obligation is confirmed even more with one’s own family. Instead of using non-Islamic greetings, such as, “Hi,” “Good Morning,” “Bye”, “Have a Nice Day,” Etc., one should use the blessed greeting of Islam.
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, Islam has landmarks and minarets like road minarets; among them is believing in Allah and joining nothing (in worship) with Him, establishing
the prayer, giving the zakah, fasting in Ramadan, performing Hajj to the House, enjoining the right, forbidding the wrong, greeting your family with salam when you meet them, and greeting the people with salam when you pass by them. Whoever drops one of these has surely dropped a portion of Islam, and whoever drops all of them has surely turned his back on Islam.” (Recorded by Ibn Salam (in al-Iman), al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah npo. 333).)
Fairness and Justice
It is an obligation on the husband, being the chief of the family, to treat his wife and family with fairness and justice. Failing to do so is an indication of his failure in running the family.
The husband should not use his material or physical superiority to oppress his wife. We have discussed in the previous chapter the prohibition of oppression. Here, we only cite again the hadith of Jabir Bin Abdillah and Abdullah Bin Umar that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Avoid oppression, because oppression will result in deep darkness on the day of Resurrection.” (Recorded by Muslim and others.)
Coping with Multiple Wives
Fairness Is a Condition for Polygamy
Even though Islam permits marrying up to four wives, it conditions that with justice. Allah says:
“If you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry whatever pleases you of other women: two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just (with them) then (marry) only one woman, or those that your right hands possess (of captives and slaves). That is better in preventing you from doing injustice.” (An-Nisa 4:3.)
Thus, if a man cannot be fair with multiple wives, he is not allowed to marry more than one. “Fairness” or “justice” here refers to material justice, which includes giving them equal rights, being equitable with them in regard to food, clothing, and dwelling, etc.
Equal Turns
A man with multiple wives is required to give them equal turns. This means spending an equal number of nights with each wife. This rule may not be violated except in three cases:
1. If the husband is going on a journey in which he can only take one wife, he should choose by lot which of his wives will be his companion. This was the Prophet’s (pbuh) practice, as is reported by ‘A’ishah:
“When the Prophet (pbuh) intended to go on a journey, he would draw lots among his wives, and would travel with the winner.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
2. One of the wives may choose to give up her turn for another wife, as Sawdah did for ‘A’ishah (See the biography of Sawdah in Chapter 5.).
3. On her wedding, a newly-wed wife gets seven consecutive nights with her husband if she is a virgin, and three consecutive nights if she is not.
Umm Salamah and Anas reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“A virgin (bride) gets seven (additional) nights (with her husband), and a non-virgin gets three.” (Recorded by Muslim, Ibn Majah, and others.)
Umm Salamah also reported that when the Prophet (pbuh) married her, he stayed with her for three nights and then said to her:
“You are not to be disgraced before your family* If you wish, I will stay seven nights with you, and then stay seven nights with each of my other wives; or if you wish, having completed three nights with you, I will now give turns.” (Recorded by Muslim, Abu Dawud, and Ibn Majah.)
A fascinating incident in regard to the current discussion occurred during the rule of ‘Umar. Ash-Sha’bi reported that Ka’b Bin gpir was sitting with Umar when a woman came and said, “O Commander ol the Believers! I have never seen a man better than my husband. By Allah, he prays the night and fasts the day.” Upon hearing this, ‘Umar praised the woman and supplicated for her, and she shyly departed. Ka’b then said, “O Commander of the Believers! Shouldn’t you have considered her accusation against her husband, for she indeed was quite eloquent in her complaint!” ‘Umar replied, “Why do not you judge between them, for you have understood about her situation that which I did not.” Ka’b said, “I view her situation as if she has three co-wives. My judgment is to allow her husband three days and nights for worship, and one day and night for her.” ‘Umar said, “By Allah, your first understanding (of her situation) is not more amazing than the second (the judgment). I hereby appoint you as judge over al-Basrah, and indeed, you are a remarkable judge.” (Recorded by Ibn Abi Shaybah and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2016).)
Punishment for Unfairness
Unfairness toward multiple wives is an act of oppression that deserves punishment on the Day of Resurrection. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Whoever has two wives and he leans unfairly toward one of them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides dropping. ” (Recorded by Abu Dawud. an-Nasa’i, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2017 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 6515).)
Fairness Does Not Involve Feelings of the Heart
The required fairness among the wives does not apply to love and affection – which is an uncontrollable inclination of the heart. But even then, Allah (swt) instructs that a man’s strong love for one of his wives should not lead him to totally neglect one or more of his other wives:
“And it will not be within your power to treat your w ives with fairness (in affection), even if you should strive to do so. So do not incline completely (toward one) and leave another as if she is suspended (i.e., neither divorced nor attached). And if you amend your affairs and revere Allah, then indeed Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (An-Nisa 4:129. )
A commonly cited hadith concerning the current discussion is reported from A’ishah (Life) that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) used to equally allot the days among his wives and then say, “O Allah! This is my allotment in regard to what l can control, so do not blame me for that which You control but I cannot (i.e., love).” This hadith is unauthentic. ‘ (Recorded by Abu Dawud, al-Tirmidhi, and often. Verified to be weak by al-Albani (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2018).)
It should be noted that some people with limited Islamic knowledge argue that this ayah (an-Nisa 129) cancels the previous ayah (an-Nisa 3), concluding that polygamy is therefore prohibited in Islam. Such a conclusion results from their misunderstanding that the two ayat refer to two different and distinctive types of fairness.
By Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly
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