CHAPTER 2: SPOUSE SELECTION
In the previous chapter, we established the great significance of marriage. With that in mind, a Muslim is urged to seek a partner that would help him (or her) attain the desired fruits of marriage in a most fulfilling way. This makes the task of selecting a spouse most crucial.
Selecting a Wife
A Conditional Choice
In Islam, a man is given some choice in regard to marriage. Allah (swt) says:
“If you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry whatever pleases you of (other) women: two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just (with them) then (marry) only one woman, or those that your right hands possess (of captives and slaves). That is better in preventing you from doing injustices.” (An-Nisa 4:3.)
However, “whatever pleases you of women” is a general directive that is further clarified in many texts of the Quran and Sunnah. There are certain important qualities that a man should seek in the woman whom he wants to be his life-partner and the mother of his children.
In what follows we mention the most important of those qualities.
1 . Righteousness
The first and foremost vital quality for a wife is righteousness. The Prophet (pbuh) urged the men to seek a woman of faith and piety, and indicated that a man attains happiness through marrying her.
Abu Hurayrah reported that the Messenger (pbuh) said:
“A woman is sought in marriage for four reasons: wealth, social status, beauty, and dim (piety). So seek the one with dm — may you then be successful. (Literally, the Prophet (pbuh) said, This expression was common during the Prophet’s (pbuh) time, and it was not meant literally. It is an exclamation phrase reflecting encouragement or applause.) (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
Thawban reported that when Allah (swt) revealed the warning in regard to those who treasure gold and silver (At-Tawbah 9:34-35.) , the sahabah wondered, “What kind of wealth should we then keep?” And Umar said, “I will find the answer to this.” He rode his camel fast until he caught up with Allah’s Messenger (pbuh), and he (Thawban) was right behind him. He asked, “O Allah’s Messenger! What kind of wealth should we keep?” He (pbuh) replied:
“Let each of you keep a heart grateful (to Allah), a tongue constantly extolling (Allah), and a believing wife who would assist him in regard to the affairs of the hereafter.” (Recorded by Ahmad, at-Tirmidhi, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 2176))
Abu Umamah and ‘Ali Similarly reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“A heart grateful (to Allah), a tongue extolling (Allah), and a righteous wife who would assist you in the affairs of your life and religion — these are people’s best treasures.” (Recorded by al-Bayhaqi (in Shu’ab ul-Iman), at-Tirmidhi, Ibn ‘Abd ur-Razzaq (in al-Musannaf), and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 4409). )
1.a The Wife Brings Happiness or Misery
In this life, a righteous wife is a main source of happiness, whereas an evil wife is a major cause of misery. Sa’d Bin Abi Waqqas reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“There are four sources of happiness and four sources of misery. Among the sources of happiness are:
-A good wife who pleases you when you look at her; and when you are away from her, you trust her in regard to herself and your property.
– An easy ride that enables you to catch up with your companions.
-A house that is spacious and has many facilities.
-A good neighbor.
And among the sources of misery are:
-An evil wife who dismays you when you look at her, who uses her tongue against you, and who, when you are away from her, you would not trust her in regard to herself or your property.
-A stubborn ride that if you whip it would tire you, and if you leave it alone you would not be able to catch up with your companions.
-A tight house of limited facilities.
-An evil neighbors.” (Recorded by al-Hakim. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 1047 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 3056). The fourth item in this hadith has been combined from another report recorded by Ibn Hibban, al-Khatlb, and others, and verified to be authentic by al-Albanl (as-Sahihah no. 282 & Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 887). A shorter form of this hadith is recorded by at-TayalisI and verified to be hasan by al-Albanl (as-Sahihah no. 1803 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 3629).)
2. Good Character
One should seek a wife who is known to be of good character or who has been raised in a good moral atmosphere. In a hadith similar to the earlier one by Abu Hurayrah, Abu Sa’id al-Khudri reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“A woman is (usually) married for one of three qualities: she is married for her wealth; she is married for her beauty; or she is married for her religion. So take the one of religion and manners – may your right hand then be prosperous.” (Recorded by Ibn Hibban, Ahmad, and al-Hakim. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 307).)
A woman of low moral standards should be avoided, even if she has other attractive qualities such as wealth or beauty.
Abu Musa al-Ash’ari reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“There are three individuals that, when they supplicate to Allah (swt), their supplication is not answered: a man who has a wife of bad character but he does not divorce her, a man who lends money to another man without taking witnesses, and a man who gives money to a weak-minded persons.” (Recorded by al-Hakim, Abu Nu’aym, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 3075 & as-Sahihah no. 1805).)
In this hadith, “bad character” pertains mostly to qualities such as looseness and promiscuity, making the woman’s conduct dubious and her chastity questionable. A man who keeps such a wife is a dayyuth. This will be discussed further in the second book of this series(See “Closer than a Garment” by the Author.) , insha Allah.
3. Virginity
Virginity is not a condition for marriage, but is a recommended quality — provided that one has both options and that the women he is considering are equal in other respects. Virginity then becomes a weighing factor for a number of reasons that will be outlined in the subsequent subsections.
Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that when his father died(Jabir’ s father, ‘Abdullah Bin ‘Aim Bin Haram, was martyred in the battle of Uhud. Jabir was then nineteen years old.) , he left behind nine girls that Jabir had to look after. Soon after that, Jabir married a non-virgin, and when the Prophet (pbuh) met him he asked him, “Have you married, O Jabir? “ He replied, “Yes.” He asked him, “Is she virgin or non-virgin?” He replied, “Non-virgin.” He(pbuh) then said:
“Shouldn’t you have considered a virgin who plays with you and you with her, and she laughs with you and you with her?”
Jabir replied, “Indeed, my father ‘Abdullah died leaving many daughters. I did not want to add another young girl like myself, so I married a grown woman to take care of them and look after them.” Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) then said:
“Indeed, you have made a good decision. May Allah bless that tremendously for you.” ( Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
4. Ability to Bear Children
Since one of the important purposes of marriage is reproduction, it is recommended to marry a younger woman who would normally be more likely to bear many children. In turn, this is more likely to apply to virgins than non-virgins.
‘Abdullah Bin Mas’ud reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Marry virgins, because they have sweeter mouths (i.e., speech) and more fertile wombs, and are easier to be satisfied with little wealth.” (Recorded by at-Tabarani (in al-Kabir). Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 623 and Sahih ul-Jami no. 2939).)
Ma’qil Bin Yasar reported that a man came to Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) and said, “I have encountered a woman of honor and beauty, but she cannot bear children. Should I marry her?” He said, After asking him two more times, Allah” s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Marry a woman who is loving and can bear many children, because I will boast of your numbers (on Resurrection Day).” (Recorded by Abu Dawud and an-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 2940 & Irwa ul-Ghalil no. 1784). )
5. Loving Attitude
One should seek to marry a woman who is expected to have a loving and caring attitude toward her husband. This is normally possible to sense from her environment and family’s reputation. The above hadith of Ma’qil Bin Yasar alludes to this. Similarly, Abu Uthaynah as- Sadafi reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The best of your women are those who are bearers of many children, loving (to their husbands), comforting, and tolerant — provided that they have taqwa of Allah.
And the worst of your women are those who display their charms (to other than their husbands), and who walk with arrogance. Such are the hypocrites, and those of them who will enter Jannah are as rare as are the red-beaked and red-legged crows.” (Recorded by al-Bayhaqi (in as-Sunan) and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 3330 & as-Sahihah no. 1849). The last part of it (about the crow) is also recorded by Ahmad and others from ‘Amr Bin al-‘As and verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 1850).)
Ibn ‘Abbas reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Your women who will be of the dwellers of Jannah are those who are loving (to their husbands), bearers of many children, and caring toward their husbands.” (Recorded by Tammain ar-Razi, Ibn ‘Asakir, and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 287).)
6. Contentment
An important quality to be sought in a wife is contentment. A dissatisfied wife would make her husband miserable and push him to do anything to please her.
It is easier for a virgin than a non-virgin to be content with her husband’s financial situation and with what he gives her. Similar to Ibn Masud’s earlier hadith, Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Seek (in marriage) virgins, because they have more fertile wombs, sweeter speech, less slyness, and are easily satisfied with little (wealth).” (Recorded by at-Tabarani (in al-Awsat) and ad-Diya’ ul-Maqdisi. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 624 and Sahih ul-Jami no. 4053).)
And Utbah Bin ‘Uwaym Bin Saidah al-Ansari reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“Marry virgins! They have sweeter speech, more fertile wombs, and are satisfied with little.”(Recorded by Ibn Majah and others from Sa’idah and Jabir. It is verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 623). )
7. Naivety
Naivety, simplicity, and innocence of heart are commendable qualities to be sought in a wife, and are more present in virgins than nonvirgins — because of their lesser experience in the ways of life. This is demonstrated in the above hadith of Jabir.
8. Beauty
Beauty, wealth, and prestige arc all mentioned the earlier hadith of Abu Hurayrah (p. 22) as being secondary qualities that should not be sought at the cost of righteousness.
However, we cannot totally disregard these qualities – especially beauty. Abu Hurayrah reported that the Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The best of women is that who pleases him (i.e., her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders, and does not subject her person or money to what he dislikes.” (Recorded by Ahmad, an-Nasa’i, and al-Hakim. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 3298 & as-Sahihah no. 1838).)
Similarly, ‘Abdullah Bin Salam reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) was asked, “Who are the best of women?” He replied:
“The best of women is that who pleases you when you look at her, obeys you when you order her, and safeguards you during your absence in regard to herself and your wealth” (Recorded by at-Tabarani (in al-Kabir) and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 3299 & as-Sahihah no. 1838).)
A woman’s appearance being “pleasing” to her husband applies first to pleasing him when he observes her righteousness and obedience to Allah. But it may also apply to pleasing him with her physical beauty. That is why it has been ordained to look at a woman when courting her, as we will discuss in the next chapter.
9. Compatibility
A man should seek a wife who is compatible with him, and a woman should seek a husband compatible with her. ‘A’ishah reported that Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) said:
“Make a (good) choice for your seed: marry (women) who are compatible (to you), and marry (your daughters) to them (who are compatible).” (Recorded by Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 2928 & as-Sahihah no. 1067).)
The question is in regard to the definition of compatibility. In general, it has two major requirements: din and character. These two qualities are among the required qualities for a wife that we discussed above, and are emphasized in Abu Hurayrah’s hadith in the next section regarding the husband.
Dm and character may not be compromised and are the focal point for compatibility. A man or woman who is lacking in either of them is a poor candidate and should not be considered.
Other qualities may add to the compatibility between the two spouses, but none of them can be considered mandatory. Among the examples of compatibility factors is age, language, financial status, family status, national background, etc.
However, one must understand that, except for din and character, all of the other qualities are secondary and should not be overplayed, especially if they would be used as grounds for discrimination based on race, social status, country of origin, etc.
With the above understanding, we can say that age is an important “secondary” compatibility factor. It could become major if the age difference is such as to prevent one of the two spouses from being able to fulfill the marital rights of his (or her) partner.
Qualities Sought in a Good Husband
Din and Good Character
The Prophet (pbuh) instructed the guardians of women to marry them to men of good din and character. When a man of known righteousness and good character seeks to marry a woman, he should be seriously considered.
Abu Hurayrah, Ibn ‘Umar, and Abu Hatim al-Muzani reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“If a man comes to you seeking marriage, and you are satisfied with his din and character, marry him — lest a fitnah (harm) and great destruction become rampant on the earth.” (Recorded by at-Tirmithi, Ibn Majah, and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 270 & as-Sahihah no. 1022). )
Is Wealth Important?
Unfortunately, when looking for a husband, the woman’s family or wall first look at his bank account, instead of his iman, taqwa, and ‘aqidah (creed).
Furthermore, many of today’s Muslim women have been affected by un-Islamic ideologies. They do not seek a husband who has taqwa and good character, which would guarantee for them a lasting, loving relationship. Rather, they seek a husband who is affluent, has a prominent position, or holds a higher degree of education — all at the cost of religion, morals, and, eventually, happiness.
While we do not call on Muslims to live in poverty, we emphasize that wealth is a minor factor that should never be compared to din and manners. We should trust Allah’s (swt) promise:
“Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His favors. Allah is Bountiful and Knowing.” (An-Nur 24:32.)
Whereas Allah gives such a generous and true promise to the righteous, there is absolutely no guarantee that he will not, in the blink of an eye. take away the wealth of a man who is non-religious and ungrateful to Him.
No Comparison
When a woman marries a man with dm and good character, she will not lose out in any respect: if he keeps her, he will do so in a good manner; and if he releases her, he will do so in a good manner. Furthermore, a man with din and good character will be a blessing for her and her children, and they will all help each other learn and improve in their Din.
A woman should avoid a man who does not have these attributes — especially if he is negligent of the prayers, drinks alcohol, commits zina, or commits any of the other major sins. Wealth and social status should never be her main criteria in deciding for or against a husband.
Sahl Bin Sad as-Saidi reported that once while the Prophet (pbuh) was sitting with some of his companions, a man passed by them. The Prophet (pbuh) asked one of the companions, “What do you think of this man?” Some of them said, “This is from among the noble people. By Allah, if he seeks marriage, he will be married; and if he intercedes, his intercession will be granted.” The Prophet (pbuh) did not say anything. Another man then passed by them, and the Prophet (pbuh) asked, “What do you think of this man?” Some of them said, “This is one of the poor Muslims. It is expected that if he seeks marriage, he will not be married; if he intercedes, his intercession will not be granted; and if he speaks, no one will listen to him.” Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“This man is better than an earth-full of the likes of the other man!” (Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim.)
By Muhammad Mustafa Al-Jibali
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