CHAPTER 1: A FAIR PARTNERSHIP (2)
Truthfulness
Allah (swt) praises the truthful in many places of His book, and considers truthfulness a quality of the believers.(See, for example, at-Tawbah 9:119.) He also condemns the liars and considers lying a quality of the hypocrites. (See, for example, al-Munafiqun 63:1.)
Also, the Prophet (pbuh) praised truthfulness and indicated that it leads to Jannah, and condemned lying and indicated that it leads to the Hellfire. ‘Abdullah Bin Mas’ud reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Jannah. Indeed, a man would continue to practice and pursue truthfulness until he is recorded with Allah as a siddiq (most truthful).”
“And indeed, lying leads to immorality, and immorality leads to the Fire. Indeed, a man would continue to practice and pursue lying until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.”(Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
Truthfulness brings trust and confidence between the two spouses, which are necessary elements for the success of any partnership, marriage being no exception. Lying and deceit, on the other hand, constitute a precarious way that may lead to Quick destruction.
Some people carry the misconception that it is permissible to lie to one’s spouse without limits. This misconception derives from misunderstanding the following hadiths.
Umm Kulthum Bint ‘Uqbah (She is the wife of Abd ur-Rahman Bin Awf) reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“I do not consider him lying: a man who appeases among (dissenting) people and utters a (false) statement only for the sake of reconciliation; a man who says a (false) statement (to the enemy) during war; and a man who chats with his wife, or a woman who chats with her husband. ” (Recorded by Abu Dawud. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 545 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 7170).)
Asma Bint Yazid reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Lying is not appropriate except in three situations: when a man chats with his wife to please her, lying (to the enemy) in war, and lying to appease among (dissenting) people” (Recorded by at-tirmidhi and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-sahihah no. 545 & Sahihah ul-Jami no. 7723).)
It is clear from the above two hadiths that lying between the two spouses is limited to pleasant chatting. That would be in situations such as a man telling his wife that she cooked the best food or has the best dress, or a woman telling her husband that the gift he gave her is most pleasing to her, or telling each other an entertaining imaginary story, and so on. And even in such cases, it is better to substitute lying with ma’arid – statements that carry double meanings, at least one of which being true.
Humbleness
Humbleness is a required characteristic among the muslims. Allah commands even His Messenger (pbuh) to show humbleness to the believers (Ash-Shu’ara 26:215) iyad Bin Himar reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, Allah has revealed to me that you must show humbleness, so that none among you would boast over anyone else, and none among you would transgress against anyone else.” (Recorded by Muslim, Abu Dawud, and others.)
This should be well understood by the spouses. They should show humbleness toward each other, and should avoid boasting about wealth, social status, intelligence, beauty, relatives, ancestors, or any other favor that Allah may have granted them. Being boastful, especially during arguments, is a sign of ignorance and immaturity that they should both loathe to practice.
Mercy and Kindness
The two spouses should show utmost compassion and mercy toward each other. They should be ever ready to overlook, forgive, and guide each other. As discussed early in this book, compassion is an important fruit of marriage, and should never be allowed to go to waste.
A merciful person is worthy of Allah’s mercy. ‘Abdullah Bin ‘Amr reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The merciful ones are granted mercy by the Most Merciful (swt). Show mercy to those who are on Earth, and the One above the heavens will show mercy to you.” (Recorded by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 3522 & as-Sahihah no. 925).)
Similarly, Allah, the Most Kind, loves kindness and rewards generously for it. Whenever kindness is employed in a situation, it improves and helps it – contrary to harshness. ‘A’ishah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said to her:
“O A’ishah! Indeed, Allah is Kind, and loves kindness in all affairs. He grants for kindness things that he would not grant for cruelty or any other thing. O Aishah! Employ taqwa of Allah and kindness, for indeed, kindness was never in a thing but it adorned it, and never was it removed from a thing but it disgraced it.” (This is a combined narration recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, Ahmad, , and others (Sahih ul-Jami no. 7920, 7921, and 7929).)
Indeed, a person without kindness and mercy brings harm on himself before anyone else. Such a person denies Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.
Jarir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) said:
“He who is denied kindness has indeed been denied all forms of good.” (Recorded by Muslim, Ahmad, and others.)
Abu Hurayrah, Abu Sa’id al-Khudri, and Jarir Bin Abdillah all reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him (by Allah). “ (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
It is the obligation of both spouses to nurture kindness and mercy in their family. This should be the first cure that they apply when problems and differences arise between them. Not only would that help resolve their problems, but would also grant them Allah’s love and mercy, as in the above hadiths.
Forgiveness
A Muslim should not have the attitude of revenge and “getting even”. This would cause hatred among the Muslims and remove from among them feelings of love and security. A Muslim should always be willing to forgive, especially when dealing with the spouse and close relatives. Showing forgiveness makes a person worthy of Allah’s forgiveness. In one of the reports of the above hadlth by Jarir Bin Abdillah Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him (by Allah). And he who does not forgive will not be forgiven.” (Recorded by Ahmad and at-Tabarani (in al-Kabir). Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 6599 & 6600).)
We have a great example in Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) who never took personal revenge for himself. ‘A’ishah reported:
“I never saw Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) seek revenge when he was wronged – except when one of Allah’s prohibitions was everstepped. When any of Allah’s prohibitions was overstepped, he would be most angry because of it. Also, whenever he was given a choice between two matters, he would choose the easiest of the two – unless it involved a sin.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
Avoiding Oppression
The two spouses should be fair and just in dealing with each other. They should avoid oppressing each other in any way. They should not take unfair advantage of their rights, or abuse each other through their distinctive qualities. Oppression has been prohibited by Allah (swt), even upon Himself! Abu Tharr reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Allah (swt) says, “O my servants! I have indeed prohibited injustice upon Myself and made it prohibited among you, so do not oppress one another.”” (Recorded by Muslim.)
Oppression is a great sin that deserves Allah’s wrath and brings about His punishment in both lives. Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah and Abdullah Bin ‘Umar reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Avoid oppression, because oppression will result in deep darkness on the Day of Resurrections. ” (Recorded by Muslim and others.)
In another report, Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah said that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“Avoid oppression, because oppression will result in deep darkness on the Day of Resurrection; and avoid stinginess, because stinginess destroyed those who preceded you. ” (Recorded by Muslim, Ahmad, and others.)
Let not feelings of superiority and dominance creep into the heart of either of the two spouses, causing him (or her) to oppress the other spouse, thinking that he (or she) has accomplished thereby a well earned victory. Let them both ponder over the above hadiths, and let them beware of a secret curse that may arise from the heavy heart of an oppressed person. Anas Bin Malik reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Avoid the oppressed’s supplication (against you), even if he was a kafir, because there is no barrier in its way (to Allah).”(Recorded by Ahmad, Abu Ya’la, and others. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 767 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 119).)
And oppression is never forgotten, and will never go unpunished. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Whoever has oppressed his brother in regard to his honor or property should beg for his forgiveness today – before it will be taken from him on a day when there will be no dinars or dirhams: If he has good deeds, some of them will be taken in the amount of his oppression; and if he has no good deeds, some of his (oppressed) companion’s sins will be taken and loaded upon him.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari and Ahmad.)
By Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly
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