CHAPTER 1: A FAIR PARTNERSHIP (3)
Avoiding Foul Language
The marriage relationship should remain clean and refined from the filth and obscenity of the street. It should be exemplary, first between the two spouses, and then in front of their children, in uttering words pleasing to Allah, His Messenger (pbuh), and the believers. ‘A’ishah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) advised her:
“O Aishah! Do not be obscene. Indeed, Allah does not love a vile person who relishes obscenity.” (This is a combined narration recorded by Muslim. Al-bukhari (in al-Ada ul-Mufrad), and Abu Dawud (Sahih ul-Jami no. 7933 & 7922, and Irwa, ul-Ghalil no. 2133).)
And this is how Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) was — as described by A ishah:
“Allah’s Messenger(pbuh) was not obscene, nor did he relish obscenity, nor was he loud in the markets. He did not punish for any (personal) harm, but forgave and pardoned.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi, Ahmad and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Mukhtasar ush-Shama’il p.182).)
Avoiding Arguing and Quarreling
Frequent arguing and quarreling should be seriously avoided because it is a sure way to undermining the ties between the married couple. Each spouse should bear in mind that it is not always vital to prove his (or her) point and be the victor in every argument. Allah promises a house in Jannah for those who drop arguing, even when they are right. Abu Umamah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“I am a guarantor of a house on the outskirts of Jannah for one who abandons arguing, even if he is right; and a house in the center of Jannah for one who abandons lying, even if he is joking; and a house in the highest place of Jannah for one who has good manners.” (Recorded by Abu Dawud and ad-Diya’ ul-Maqdisi. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 1464 & as-Sahihah no. 273).)
On the other hand, Allah hates a stubborn, quarrelsome person. ‘A’ishah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The most hated man to Allah is that who is obstinately quarrelsome.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim.)
Resolving Problems Amicably
There is always some chance for misunderstanding or disagreement between the two spouses. Some of these differences may cause one or both of them to turn away from the other and seek hasty solutions that may jeopardize the marriage. But it is recommended for them to first seek reconciliation, which Allah(pbuh) considers as the best approach:
“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them — and settlement is (always) best. And present in (human) souls is stinginess. But if you do good and revere Allah indeed, Allah is ever Aware of all what you do.” (An-Nisa 4:128.)
Communication and Company
Importance of Communication
The two spouses should maintain a good level of communication between them. They should share their happiness, concerns, and sorrows. That preserves their ties of love and compassion, and fulfills the meaning of “dwelling” that should be established between them, as was discussed in the first part of this series. (Review The Quest for Love & Mercy” by the author.)
It was the Prophet’s (pbuh) regular practice to visit all of his wives every night, chatting lightly with each, before going to the one whose turn it was for that night. The long hadith of Umm Zar (fully cited in Chapter 6), is a good example of beneficial chatting that the Prophet (pbuh) held with his wives.
Regulations for Desertion
There are, of course, situations where it is permissible to desert another Muslim as a form of retribution. As an example, we will be discussing later the permission in Islam to desert the bed of a rebellious wife, and we will study instances where the Prophet (pbuh) deserted some or all of his wives.
However, deserting another Muslim should not be done except after exhausting easier approaches, and with the understanding that it is being implemented as a temporary form of treatment. Long-term abandonment brings repulsion and hardness of the heart (As the English saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind”) and is therefore prohibited.
Abu Hurayrah, Ibn ‘Umar, Abu Ayyub, and other companions reported that Allah’s Messenger pbuh) said:
“It is not permissible for a Muslim to abandon his brother for more than three days.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.)
In many of his hadiths, the Prophet (pbuh) emphasized the gravity of deserting a Muslim. For example, Hisham Bin Amir reported that he heard Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) say:
“It is not permissible for a Muslim to abandon another Muslim for more than three nights Indeed, they both are straying from the right (path) w 1e they continue their abandonment. As for the first of them to conciliate, his lead to conciliation would surely expiate his sin. And indeed, if they die in that state (of dissension), they will never enter Jannah. And if one of them gives salam to the other, but the other refuses to accept his salam and peace, an angel would respond to the first (with salam), whereas a devil would respond to the other (because of his silence).” (Recorded by Ahmad, al-Bukhari (in al-Adab ul-Mufrad) and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2029).)
Aiding One Another
The Obligation of Mutual Help
Being sworn partners of good standing, the two spouses should do all that is within their capacity to help each other and make their partnership successful. That includes physical, monetary, and emotional support.
When one of the two spouses is performing a permissible act, it is recommended for the other spouse to help him (or her) to the best of his (or her) ability. And when one of the two spouses is performing an obligation, it is incumbent on the other spouse to help him (or her) to the best of his (or her) ability. Allah (swt) says:
“Help one another in righteousness and taqwa, and do not help one another in sinning and transgression. And fear and revere Allah; verily, Allah is severe in punishment.”
One May Not Be Aided in Disobeying Allah
On the other hand, we conclude from the above ayah that when one of the two spouses performs a makruh (disapproved) act, it is disapproved for the other spouse to help him(or her). And when one of the two spouses performs a prohibited act, it is prohibited for the other spouse to help him (or her). ‘Ali reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Obedience may not be offered to a human being if it involves disobeying Allah. Obedience should only be in good things.” (Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim and others. A similar hadith is recorded by Ahmad and others from Imran Bin Husayn and verified to be authentic by al-Albani (as-Sahihah no. 179, 180).)
Aiding Each Other in Acts of Worship And Obedience
An individual by himself may sometimes weaken or slacken in performing some acts of worship. Kind help and support would bring him added confidence and determination. And who is more suitable for giving that support than one’s own spouse? A fine example on this is given by the Prophet (pbuh) concerning the night prayers. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up at night and prays, and wakes up his wife to pray and if she resists, he would lightly spray water on her face; and may Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up at night and prays, and wakes up her husband to pray — and if he resists, she would lightly spray water on his face.” (Recorded by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani(Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 3494).)
One should note in this hadith the friendly and pleasant manner of waking the other spouse. In the middle of his sleep, a person will surely be very alarmed by someone abruptly shaking him or pouring a bucket of cold water over him, which would then make him reluctant to cooperate with the individual who caused him that annoyance and bother. On the other hand, a nice and friendly approach should normally result in good cooperation.
Safeguarding the Family
We discussed earlier in this chapter that both spouses have a maio responsibility within the family. Part of that responsibility is to protect the family from damage or destruction. That can only be done through steering the family toward the good teachings of Islam and away from the evils of Satan and his followers.
Therefore, the two spouses must help each other in guiding their children toward Jannah and away from the Fire. Allah (swt) says:
“O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones.” (At-Tahrim 66:6.)
Commenting on this ayah, it is reported that ‘Ali said:
“Teach them good manners and educate them.” (Tafsir Ibn Kathir.)
And Ibn ‘Abbas said:
“Act in obedience to Allah, avoid disobedience to Allah, and command your families to act in remembrance (O Allah): Allah would then save you from the Fire.” (Tafsir Ibn Kathir.)
Enjoining the Good and Forbidding the Wrong
The two spouses should help each other in enjoining the good and forbidding the wrong, first toward one another, and then with other people. Allah (swt) says:
“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin the right, forbid the wrong, establish prayer, give zakah, and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah will show mercy to these. Indeed! Allah is Mighty and Wise.
Allah has promised the believing men and women gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide eternally, and (He promised them) pleasant dwellings in gardens of everlasting bliss (Adn or Eden). But greater than all of this is the good acceptance from Allah: That is surely a great achievement.” (At-Tawbah 9:71-72.)
Fulfilling Each Others’ Desire
We have discussed in the first book of this series( Review “The Quest for Love & Mercy” by the author ) that one of the main objectives of marriage is the preservation of chastity. This generally pertains more to the man than the woman; but it surely applies to the woman as well, as it is her husband’s obligation to gratify her to the best of his ability.
Thus, it is an obligation on each of the two spouses to fulfill his (or her) marital duty toward the other spouse. They should both do all that they can, provided that it is islamically permissible, to protect one another from Satan’s temptations. More of this will be discussed in the next two chapters, and a detailed discussion of the acts of intimacy between the two spouses was presented in the second book of this series. (Review “Closer Than a Garment” by the author. )
By Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly
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