CHAPTER 1: A FAIR PARTNERSHIP (1)
Introduction
An Essential Bond
Marriage is a bond held together by mutual rights and responsibilities for each of the two spouses. It is a partnership between them, and they are both required to play an active role in that partnership.
The man is appointed as the leader of the household, and the woman as the supportive helper whose expertise in many areas cannot be handled by the man. Some of the women who have been corrupted by the Western ideologies want to be leaders of the family. But only chaos would result in such a family where the correct and natural positions are reversed.
Both the husband and wife have certain rights and duties. A happy and successful marriage is assured if both of them fulfill their duties and preserve each others’ rights. Violating those rights is a sure way to misery and failure.
Shared Obligations and Shared Rewards
Some responsibilities and obligations equally apply to the man and woman. For instance, the obligation of believing in Allah (swt) and following His commands is identical for both of them. Similarly, they are both responsible and accountable for their actions. They are both equally required to learn the correct religion, worship Allah, and call to His way. The moral standards are the same for both of them, as are many of the regulations for dealing with other human beings.
The man and woman get similar rewards for obedience to Allah (swt), and similar punishment for disobedience or sinning. Allah (swt) says:
“Do not wish for things in which Allah has preferred some of you over others. Men get a share (or reward) in what they have earned, and women get a share in what they have earned. And ask Allah of His favors. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowledgeable about all things.” (An-Nisa 4:32.)
Natural Differences
We conclude from the above that the Islamic regulations regarding human beings are equally applicable to men and women. But this does not mean that men and women are identical in everything.
There are certain regulations that strictly apply to women because of their feminine nature, and others that strictly apply to men because of their masculine nature.
Among the most important gender-based instructions were indicated in one of the Prophet’s (pbuh) last speeches. ‘Amr Bin al-Ahwas al- Jushami reported that he heard Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) in the “Farewell Pilgrimage” (on ‘Arafah) praise and glorify Allah, remind and reproach the people, and then say:
“Lo! Take good care of women, for they surely are captives under your charge, and you do not possess them any more than this (subordination) unless they commit a manifest sin. If they do, abandon them in sleep, and beat them lightly. If they obey you, do not apply any further punishment. Lo! you have a right upon your women, and your women have a right upon you. Your right upon them is that they should not admit for sitting upon your furnishings or entering into your home anyone you dislike. Lo! And their right upon you is that you treat them well in terms of clothing and food.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi, an-Nasa’i, and ibn Majah. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani (sahih ul-Jami no. 7880 & Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2030).)
This clearly indicates that there are specific rights for the women upon their husbands, and other rights specific for the men upon their wives. Keeping this in mind, we emphasize that the subject of this chapter is to discuss the main shared rights and obligations, leaving the gender-based rights and obligations to the following two chapters.
Responsibility and Accountability
Being masters of the home unit, both men and women carry the great responsibility of establishing and nurturing the family unit. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Every person among Adam’s children is a master. The man is the master of his family, and the woman is the waitress of her home.” (Recorded by Ibn us-Sunni and Abu Bakr il-Muqri. Verified to be hasan by Al-albani (as-Sahihah no. 2041 & Sahih ul-Jami no. 4565))
Being masters and holders of responsibility, both men and women are also answerable before Allah(swt) for their responsibility. Ibn ‘Umar reported that the Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Each one of you is entrusted with a responsibility, and each one of you will be questioned about his responsibility. The ruler is responsible (for his people), and will be questioned about his responsibility. The man is responsible for his family, and will be questioned about his responsibility. The woman is responsible for her husband’s house, and will be questioned about her responsibility. The servant is responsible for his master’s property, and will be questioned about his responsibility. And a man is responsible for his father’s wealth, and will be questioned about his responsibility. Thus, each one of you has a responsibility, and each one of you will be questioned about his responsibility.” (Recorded by al-Bukhar, Muslim, and others.)
It is very important for men and women to have a clear understanding of the great responsibility that rests on both of their shoulders. This would make them work hard and cooperate well to fulfill their mission and prepare answers for the Day when they will be questioned about the way they handled their responsibilities.
Good Manners
Excellence of Good Manners
Part of the great responsibility of both men and women within their home-unit is to exhibit and act with good manners. Good manners are the distinctive characteristics of the religion of Islam. In a nutshell they are the reason behind the Prophet’s (pbuh) mission. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“I have only been sent (by Allah) to complete good manners.” (Recorded by Ibn sa’d, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no.2349 & as-Sahihah no. 45).)
We note here that “good manners” in Islam are not limited to truthfulness, kindness, generosity, and other traits that are commonly known to represent good manners. Rather, “good manners” encompass good manners with Allah (swt) that are exhibited by truly believing in Him and obeying Him, good manners with the Prophet (pbuh) that are exhibited by truly following him, and good manners with other people.
Good manners were best demonstrated by our Prophet (pbh), whom Allah (swt) described as:
“Indeed, you are of a great moral character” (Al-Qalam 68:4.)
The best people after the Prophet (pbuh) are those with the best manners. dullah Bin Amr reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, among the best of you are those with the best manners.”(Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim and others.)
And Abdullah Bm Umar reported that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
“The best among the believers are those with the best manners.” (Recorded by Ibn Majah and al-Hakim. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami no. 1128 & as-Sahihah no. 1374).)
A Muslim should display good manners in all of his dealings. This would grant him a most distinguished position among other Muslims. ‘A’ishah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, a believer attains (in Jannah), because of his good manners, the level of one who fasts and stands (for the night prayer).”(Recorded by Abu Dawud and Ibn Hibban. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami’ no. 1932).)
Good manners makes a believer worthy of the love of the Messenger (pbuh) and the closeness to him in Jannah. Jabir Bin ‘Abdillah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“Indeed, those among you who are most beloved to me and who will be seated nearest to me on Resurrection Day are those with the best manners.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami, no. 2201 & as-Sahihah no. 791).)
And Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The things that mainly cause people to enter Jannah are revering Allah and good manners. And those that mainly cause people to enter the Fire are the mouth and the private parts.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi, Ahmad, and Ibn Majah. Verified to be hasan by al-Albani(as-Sahihah no.977).)
Good manners should no. be limited to dealing with distant people Rather they should best be implemented with close relatives. M0re importantly, the two spouses should interact with each other in the highest form of good character. Within the family, one’s true character is projected without disguise, because one is then tree from most of the formality or showoff that are usually exercised with other people.
Thus exercising good manners is a shared right and duty between the two spouses; it is emphasized by their extreme closeness, and is necessary for the well being of their relationship. Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) said:
“The believers with the most complete Titian are those with the most refined manners. And the best among you are those who are best to their women.” (Recorded by at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Hibban. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani(sahih ul-Jami no. 1232 & as-Sahihah no. 284).)
Therefore, in dealing with one’s spouse, one should exhibit good manners in all respects. A detailed discussion of that would be exhaustive and beyond the scope of this book. Yet, in the following subsections we discuss some of the most important character trains that must be observed in dealings within the family unit.
By Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly
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