6- CONSOLING NEXT OF KIN
CONSOLING NEXT OF KIN
It is recommended to console all the relatives of the deceased, except young women who are not (the consoler’s) unmarriageable kin (since only her unmarriageable relatives (mahram) may console her, console meaning to enjoin steadfastness and encourage it by mentioning the reward in the hereafter, to warn against overburdening oneself with grief, and to pray for forgiveness for the deceased and the lightening of the burden of those bearing the misfortune) when there has been a death in the family, for approximately three days after the burial.
It is offensive to sit for it (that is, for the extended family of the deceased to be seated and gather in one place for people to come and console them, because it is an innovation (muhdath, syn. bid’a) that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) did not do, nor those after him. It is offensive for either men or women).
If one is absent (whether one is the consoler or person to be consoled) and then arrives after a period (of three days), one should console (the deceased’s relatives) or be consoled (if one of them).
It is recommended to say:
1. to a Muslim who has lost a Muslim relative, “May Allah greaten your reward, perfect your consolation, and forgive your deceased”;
2. to a Muslim who has lost a non-Muslim relative, “May Allah greaten your reward and perfect your consolation”;
3. and to a non-Muslim who has lost a Muslim relative, “May Allah perfect your consolation and forgive your deceased.”
It is permissible to weep before someone dies, but better not to afterwards (since the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) wept for his son Ibrahim before his death. It is only considered better not to weep afterwards because it is sorrow for something that has already passed).
It is unlawful to eulogize the dead, lament in a raised voice, slap one’s cheeks (as a display of grief), rend one’s garments, or dishevel one’s hair.
It is recommended for distant relatives and neighbors to prepare enough food for the deceased’s close family relatives to suffice them for a day and night, and to urge them to eat.
For the deceased’s family to prepare food and gather people over it is an unpraiseworthy innovation (bid’a).
(Source: The reliance of the traveller, revised edition, Edited and Translated by Nuh Ha Mim Keller)
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