5. DEALING WITH THE BELOVED
Those who wish to choose a beloved should know that they are chosen for two types; a woman due to the beauty of her image, or a friend due to the beauty of his character.
If you like a woman for her beauty, you should also think of her character before allowing your heart to be attached to her. If you find her character as you like it to be— then the basis of such a decision should be on her religiosity as the Prophet said to go for the one who’s religious— unleash your heart and pursue her.
But, let your inclination towards her be moderate and balanced for it is a mistake to manifest all your love to your beloved, for that shall bring forth nothing but harm, humility’, forsaking and the demand to spend much wealth on her. Even if she is in love with you, because such behaviour is generated by the wish to be spoiled and dominate the one she finds in need of her.
It is interesting to note that acting according to your emotions will enable her to treat you assuming your ultimate love. And since such a state does not last, you remain subdued and dominated due to which you cannot seem to escape such a situation. She may control you by knowing your secret or by taking most of your wealth.
The best story I heard supporting this is of what I was informed; there was a female servant belonging to one of the caliphates who was deeply and madly in love with him but she never showed him how she felt.
When she was asked about it, she answered: ‘If I ever show him how I feel and then he starts to avoid me I will die!’
The same should be done while dealing with your children, i.e. do not show your child that you love him unconditionally as this will make you fall under his control and so he will take advantage of you by wasting all your wealth, becoming over spoiled and refusing to learn and be disciplined.
And the same applies to friends, if you ever choose a friend and inform him of your feelings, do not tell him everything but rather deal with him kindly and gradually as if you are looking after a tree— because if such a tree is good the fruits will be good too. And, do not forget to be cautious with him because people change over time.
(Source: al-Hafiz Abu’l-Faraj ibn al-jawzl [d. 597AH] “CAPTURED THOUGHTS being” a translation of his masterpiece ‘Sayd al-K hatir)
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John Doe
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