2. ENGAGEMENT AND LOOKING AT THE OPPOSITE SEX
ENGAGEMENT AND LOOKING AT THE OPPOSITE SEX
SUNNAS OF ENGAGEMENT
(It is recommended for a guardian to offer his marriageable female charges in marriage to righteous men. It is sunnah:
1. to intend by one’s marriage to fulfill the sunnah and protect one’s religion, since one is only rewarded for it if one intends some form of obedience to Allah, such as remaining chaste or having a pious son;
2. for the marriage contract to be made in a mosque;
3. and for it to take place on Friday, at the first of the day, and in the month of Shawwal.)
LOOKING AT ONE’S PROSPECTIVE BRIDE
The sunnah when one wants to marry a woman is to look at her face and hands (as the face indicates her beauty, and the hands her robustness of body. Tirmidhi reports from al-Mughira that when he got engaged to a woman, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Look at her, for it is likelier to last between you,”
meaning that love is likelier to last, and tenderness) before getting engaged to her, even if the woman does not give her permission to do so (since the Lawgiver’s permission is sufficient). Such a person is entitled to repeat looking at her (as many times as he Wishes) (when he needs to make sure of how she looks, so he does not come to have regrets after getting married. And she is entitled to do the same) but he may not look at other than her face and hands. (If unable to go see her, he should send a reliable woman to go see her for him, as such a woman would be likely to notice more than he, and she may describe her to him, this being an exception to the unlawfulness of describing a woman to a man who is not one of her unmarriageable kin.)
LOOKING AT MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
It is unlawful for a man to look at a woman who is not his wife or one of his un marriageable kin (there being no difference in this between the face and hands or some other part of a woman (if it is uncovered), though part excludes her voice, which is not unlawful to listen to as long as temptation is unlikely. Allah Most High says,
“Tell believers to lower their gaze” (Quran 24:30).
A majority of scholars (with the exception of some Hanafis) have been recorded as holding that it is unlawful for women to leave the house with faces unveiled, whether or not there is likelihood of temptation. When there is likelihood of temptation, scholars unanimously concur that it is unlawful, temptation meaning anything that leads to sexual intercourse or its usual preliminaries. As for when there is real need (dis: m2.11), looking is not unlawful, provided temptation is unlikely).
(Being alone with a woman who is not one’s wife or unmarriageable kin is absolutely unlawful, though if there are two women and a man, the man and the woman are no longer considered alone.)
A man may look at his wife (or vice versa) including her nakedness, though it is offensive for either husband or wife to look at the other’s genitals.
A man may look at his unmarriageable female relatives, and a woman look at her unmarriageable male relatives, viewing any part of the body (that shows e.g. while they are working) except what is between the navel and knees.
As for a woman looking at (a man) other than her husband or unmarriageable male relatives, it is unlawful, just as a man’s looking at her is.
It is unlawful for a woman to show any part of her body to an adolescent boy or a non-Muslim woman (n: unless the latter is her kinswoman), in which case it is permissible (Mughni al-muhtaj ila ma’rifa ma’ani alfa: al-Minhaj (y73), 3.132»).
(The following rulings from the Hanafi school have been added here as a dispensation.) (Ahmad Quduri:)
1. It is not permissible for a man to look at a woman who is not his wife or unmarriageab1e relative except for her face and hands «Maydani:) because of the necessity of her need to deal with men in giving and taking and the like). If a man is not safe from lust, he may not look at her face except when it is demanded by necessity.
2. A man may look at the whole body of another man except for what is between the navel and (including) the knees (as the knees are considered nakedness by Hanafis. though not by Shafi’is).
3. A woman may look at the parts of a man that another man is permitted to look at.
4. A woman may look at the parts of another woman that a man is permitted to look at of another man.
(al-Lubab fi sharh al-Kitab (y88), 4.162-63)
Whenever looking is unlawful, so is touching (whenever meaning the part; i.e., whatever is unlawful to look at is also unlawful to touch). (And any permissible looking that leads to temptation is unlawful.) (Ordinary people sometimes mistakenly assume that the Hanafi position that touching a woman does not nullify one’s ablution (wudu) means they permit men shaking hands with women who are not wives or unmarriageable relatives, something which is unlawful, and which neither the Hanafi school nor any other holds to be permissible.)
DOCTORS TREATING PATIENTS OF HIE OPPOSITE SEX
Both (looking and touching) are permissible for medicinal bloodletting, cupping, and medical treatment (when there is real need. A Muslim woman needing medical attention must be treated by a Muslim woman doctor, or if there is none, then by a non-Muslim woman doctor. If there is none, then a male Muslim doctor may treat her, while if none of the above are available, then a male non-Muslim doctor. If the doctor is of the opposite sex, her husband or an unmarriageable male relative must be present. It is obligatory to observe this order in selecting a doctor). (The same rules apply to Muslim men with regard to having a doctor of the same sex and religion: the same sex takes precedence over the same religion.)
(Necessary treatment of her face or hands permits looking at either. As for other parts of the body, the criterion for permissibility is the severity of the need for treatment, meaning that there must be an ailment as severe as those permitting dry ablution, and if the part concerned is the genitals, the need must be even more acute (though it includes gynecological examinations for women with fertility problems, which are permissible).
PERMISSIBLE LOOKING AT A MARRIAGEABLE MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Looking at a woman is permissible for testimony in court, for commercial dealings (with a marriageable man, or noncommercial dealings, as when he wishes to marry her), and so forth (such as obligatory or recommended learning), in which cases looking is permissible to the degree required. (It is not permissible to exceed the degree required, as when looking at part of the face is sufficient, in which case looking at the rest of it is not permissible, as it exceeds the amount required.)
RULES FOR PROPOSING MARRIAGE OR ACCEPTING A PROPOSAL
It is unlawful to propose marriage, openly or allusively, to another’s wife when she is in the waiting period of an unfinalized (i.e. less than threefold) divorce (because she is still considered as a wife is).
As for a woman who is in any of the following types of waiting period, it is unlawful for a suitor to propose openly to her, though not for him to hint at it:
1. the waiting period of a finalized (threefold) divorce;
2. the waiting period after having had her husband release her for payment;
3. or the waiting period to remarry after her husband’s death.
(Proposing allusively is only permissible in such cases because of the husband’s lack of authority over her. To propose openly means to decisively indicate one’s desire to wed, such as by saying, “I want to marry you,” while to propose allusively means to employ words that could indicate a desire to marry or something else, such as “I am desirous of you,” or “You are beautiful,” for these do not necessarily imply a desire for marriage.)
(The rulings regarding the lawfulness or unlawfulness of a woman’s accepting a marriage proposal are the same as those for proposing to her)
It is unlawful to propose marriage to a woman to whom another has already done so, if the first proposal has been openly accepted, unless the first suitor gives his permission. (And like his permission in the legality of another proposing to her is when the first suitor has shown himself disinclined, such as by having given up, or when enough time has elapsed to give others the impression that he no longer wants to marry, or when the woman’s guardian becomes averse to him.) But if the first suitor’s proposal was not openly accepted, then a second suitor may propose to her. (It is also permissible for one to take the initiative and propose to a woman when one does not know whether or not she is engaged, or whether the first proposal was plainly accepted or not.)
Whoever is asked about what kind of person a prospective groom is should truthfully mention his failings (meaning his defects and mistakes. This is obligatory (but only to the degree necessary (to protect the person who is asking», as Nawawi has stated in al-Adhkar (dis: r2.20(2»).
It is recommended to give a short address when (i.e. before) making a marriage proposal (address meaning words begun by praising Allah and concluded with a supplication and moral exhortation. If one wants to be brief, one may simply say, “Praise be to Allah, and blessings and peace upon the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace). I enjoin you to fear Allah. I have come to you to engage your noblest [mentioning her name].” Then her guardian gives a similar address).
It is also recommended to give another brief address when (i.e. just before) the marriage contract is made, saying (i.e. it is recommended for the guardian to say, before the contract is formally effected), “I marry her to you according to the command of Allah Most High, to kindly retain or graciously release.”
(Source: The reliance of the traveller, revised edition, Edited and Translated by Nuh Ha Mim Keller)
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