10. RELATIONS BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIVES
RELATIONS BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIVES
It is obligatory for both husband and wife to treat each other well (since Allah Most High says, “Women deserve the like of what they are obliged to give, in kindness” (Quran 2:228)),
and for each to give the other what they must (meaning that both spouses are required to, the husband giving her the expenditures he is obliged to, and the wife giving herself to him and obeying him concerning his rights therein) without intentional delays or displaying resentment.
It is unlawful for a man to house two wives in the same lodgings unless they both agree.
PERMITTING ONE’S WIFE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
(A husband may permit his wife to leave the house for a lesson in Sacred Law, for invocation of Allah (dhikr), to see her female friends, or to go to any place in the town. A woman may not leave the city without her husband or a member of her unmarriageable kin accompanying her, unless the journey is obligatory, like the hajj. It is unlawful for her to travel otherwise, and unlawful for her husband to allow her to.) (In the Hanafi school, it is not unlawful for her to travel beyond city limits without a husband or member of her unmarriageable kin unless the distance to her intended destination exceeds ca. 77 km.! 48 mi. (al-Lubab fi sharh al-Kitab (y88), 1.105).)
The husband may forbid his wife to leave the home (because of the hadith related by Bayhaqi that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to allow someone into her husband’s house if he is opposed, or to go out if he is averse”).
But if one of her relatives dies, it is preferable to let her leave to visit them.
TAKING TURNS WITH WIVES
A husband with more than one wife is not obliged to spend his nights with them in turns but may keep away from them (A: all) without sin. But he may not begin spending the night with one of them unless he chooses her by drawing lots. Whenever he spends the night with one wife, he is obliged to spend nights with the others, giving equal time to each one. When a husband intends to begin staying with his wives (A: after an intermission or absence), the wife whose lot is drawn is the first with whom he spends the night. All are included in taking turns, whether a wife in her period or postnatal bleeding, one who is ill, or one who cannot have intercourse because of a vaginal birth defect.
The minimal amount of time for one turn is a night and day, whether the day comes before or after the night; while the maximum is three days (and nights. The minimal turn for the Hanafi and Maliki schools is whatever all can agree upon). It may not be more than three days (except by their leave). The basic turn of someone who makes their living by day is the night, with the day being an adjunct, while for someone who makes their living at night, such as a watchman, the basic turn is the day.
In staying the night, the husband is not obliged to have sexual intercourse with the wife, though it is recommended to have intercourse (and share all other marital enjoyments) with all one’s wives on an equal basis.
If the husband wants to take one of his wives on a journey with him, he may not do so unless he draws lots to see who it will be. If he draws lots (and takes the winner with him), then when he returns, he does not need to make up the turns which the other wives missed while he was on the journey. If he did not draw lots but just chose a wife to travel with him, this is a sin, and on his return, he must give equal time to the other wives for the time they missed.
It is permissible for one of the wives to give her turn to another wife, if the husband agrees. If one of them gives him her turn, then he may give it to whomever he wants. If the wife later chooses to take her turn back, she returns to her usual place in the order of taking turns as it stands on the day, she takes it back.
It is not permissible for a husband to enter the quarters of a wife during another wife’s turn without business there, though if he stops in during the day because of something he needs, or during the night because of something absolutely necessary (such as bringing her supper), then he may enter. Otherwise, he may not.
If he prolongs such a visit, then he is obliged to make up the turn of the wife whose turn it originally was.
If a man marries a new wife when he already has another, he interrupts the succession of turns to spend time with the new wife. If she is a virgin, then he stays with her seven days and need not make them up with the other wives. If she is a nonvirgin, then he may choose to either spend seven days with her and make up (to the others the number in excess of three days), or spend three days with her and not make up the time with the others. In such cases it is recommended to let the new wife choose the alternative she prefers. If the husband stays with her for seven days at her request. he must make up all seven days with the others, though if he stays seven days without her having requested it, he need only make up four with the others.
The husband is entitled to leave home during the day to fulfill his needs and obligations.
DEALING WITH A REBELLIOUS WIFE
When a husband notices signs of rebelliousness in his wife (nushuz.) (whether in words, as when she answers him coldly when she used to do so politely. or he asks her to come to bed and she refuses. contrary to her usual habit; or whether in acts, as when he finds her averse to him when she was previously kind and cheerful). he warns her in words (without keeping from her or hitting her, for it may be that she has an excuse. The warning could be to tell her, “Fear Allah concerning the rights you owe to me,” or it could be to explain that rebelliousness nullifies his obligation to support her and give her a turn amongst other wives, or it could be to inform her, “You’re obeying me is religiously obligatory”). If she commits rebelliousness, he keeps from sleeping (and having sex) with her without words, and may hit her, but not in a way that injures her, meaning he may not (bruise her,) break bones, wound her, or cause blood to flow. (It is unlawful to strike another’s face.) He may hit her whether she is rebellious only once or whether more than once, though a weaker opinion holds that he may not hit her unless there is repeated rebelliousness.
(To clarify this paragraph, we mention the following rulings:
1. Both man and wife are obliged to treat each other kindly and graciously.
2. It is not lawful for a wife to leave the house except by the permission of her husband, though she may do so without permission when there is a pressing necessity. Nor maya wife permit anyone to enter her husband’s home unless he agrees, even their unmarriageable kin. Nor may she be alone with a nonfamily-member male, under any circumstances.
3. It is obligatory for a wife to obey her husband as is customary in allowing him full lawful sexual enjoyment of her person. It is obligatory for the husband to enable her to remain chaste and free of want for sex if he is able. It is not obligatory for the wife to serve her husband; if she does so, it is voluntary charity.
4. If the wife does not fulfill one of the above-mentioned obligations, she is termed “rebellious” (nashiz), and the husband takes the following steps to correct matters:
a) admonition and advice, by explaining the unlawfulness of rebellion, its harmful effect on married life, and by listening to her viewpoint on the matter;
b) if admonition is ineffectual, he keeps from her by not sleeping in bed with her, by which both learn the degree to which they need each other;
c) if keeping from her is ineffectual, it is permissible for him to hit her if he believes that hitting her will bring her back to the right path, though if he does not think so, it is not permissible. His hitting her may not be in a way that injures her, and is his last recourse to save the family;
d) if the disagreement does not end after all this, each partner chooses an arbitrator to solve the dispute by settlement, or divorce.)
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